there's a mountain lion on the loose, better watch out

happy new year!! 

wow, what year is it again? 2021 is about to come to a close, and yet again, we say hello to a new chapter. 

emotions are high. life is a bunch of waves, and my heart goes out to everyone, especially those who need it the most. but anyway, it's not like anyone reads this blog, so let me get back to that self-love chapter of mine that God only knows if it's good for anyone. wait, it is, right? you can't help others until you help yourself. 

anyway i came here to think about my resolutions for the new year!

from being conscious about what i eat, to working out, to painting, to going out with friends, to hanging out with family, and making wild love with my 'boyfriend' lol this year has been awesome.

what do i want to reach next year?

I want to simplify.

for starters, I have a dumb phone coming my way in the mail.

i realize dumb phones are a luxury in today's society.

i also realize that something insanely beautiful will happen to my mind and if i can return back to the basics.

what do you mean by that?

i mean,

an acoustic guitar

a pencil and paper

intution 

sensitivity

sitting upright more than laying down

i want to wake up

and know

<3

i miss a lot of people

and ironically enough

i'm the one who either

pushed them away

or didn't keep up with them

i'm going to start by messaging everyone

that comes to mind

a happy new year message

and from there, 

i want to be open to whatever comes my way

phone calls

texts

snail mail? haha as if

listening to 

give up

on vinyl

by the postal service

nothing better

is on right now

i have this habit of playing covers

a lot

that's okay

i want to write this year tho

^_^

you've got a lure i can't denyy

but you had your chance so say goodbye

say good byeee

oh man

SLUT

hehehe

 

 I feel like I only come on here to blog about how I broke my diet. Well, if only you knew how much I ate today. My poor stomach is mad at me so tomorrow I'm taking a vow of food silence because the human body was not created for three full meals a day and definitely not with American portions, as grateful as I am for each delicious meal that had come my way.

I just played Taboo with my mom for like an hour. That was fun... Also got this game called Labrynth that I'll have to play soon!

I collaged a pigeon and a fox in space with 1950s outfits and I wrote a quick jazzy loop. Neither of which I wish to share. It's okay, it happens like that some days. 

I'm going to Halloween Horror nights soon! And I'm dog sitting in less than a weeeek. My goals for this trip are to reset my mind a bit and evaluate my priorities. I'm still waiting to hear back

from the Grand Canyon artist residency and I wish I knew if I even stand a chance because that sounds like a dream... albeit maybe a lonely one. 

I'm mildly losing my mind and it's unclear if I'm the one that makes no sense since in my mind it's so clear. So a break would do good.

Okay that's all for now. Time to get back to Scrabble and Good Mythical Morning.  

 Im actually quite proud of myself 

Not only have I been reading,

But I've been painting

And jamming (and going to the gym)

Sure it may just be one loop, but it's still progress!

Is it better to start off with a bass line and build around that? 

In my spare time, I should explore drum loops

Okay all is not lost... just had to hang in there 

 Oh man. I'm in such a strange boat. Fighting for nothing then wondering where everything went, but I'd rather have clarity than a buzz so I'm gonna keep on truckin' on in the make believe world I've created.

man

o man

o man

where will we be three years from now? I better be in a cabin with the worlds prettiest window view  heheheh just kidding. grateful for all I have. just curious what comes after

 Maybe that's not such a bad idea!

I'll go thrifting... find some vintage toy, grab a fresh bouquet of flowers and whatever produce I have lying around the house and go to town! 

It's not like I've got anything better to do anyway lol

 

Eesh, I haven't been in the mood to blog as of recent! 

Maybe the saying is right: too much of a good thing. I guess blogging was a cathartic way for me to feel like I had my own little space in a world that wanted to pull me in so many directions. But now, I've successfully managed to push myself away from anything anyone could ever have to offer. For better or for worse. 

My current problems? Not having someone to play tennis with on the daily. Having to wear a mask again at work -ugh! I kind of blew up at my manager about it and lowkey feel pretty bad. hope he's forgotten ^^;  I'm waiting for some veerrrryyy breathable masks to come in the mail by Friday. Personally, I don't even want people to see my face -- I just want to be able to breathe life's fresh air, so hopefully this is the answer.

tennnissss.... you know when you whine about something SO much that when it finally arrives, you're like, THIS is what I was whining about? I think I'm subtly ignoring *cough*kevin*cough* and I'm trying to decide if it's tennis that I like, or if it's tennis with him that I like, and I'll be so sad if it's the latter because he's not really a stable partner in the sense that he can go for so long without checking up on me to see how I'm doing. I guess the same could be said for me, but every time I try, I get a brief "i'm busy" style answer and I'm just not vibing with that. I just want to know how I can reset my mind and my mind's view on my current environment which I've come to know oh so well. I feel like I know LA like the back of my hand, and all I want is to be able to see it again with rosy eyes. Meditation? is that the answer? when I first started at my barista gig, not only was the idea of being a barista so insanely magical, but literally everyone around me was covered in a layer of star dust. everyone who walked in to the coffee shop was someone special that i instantly thought was too good to ever be a part of the life of someone like me. but now there's so much external pressure to 'keep lines moving' or whatever. i don't want to accidentally flirt with someone who's married with ten kids, and I don't want to send unwanted signals. things were magical in that moment because.... I had bumped into who I thought was the prettiest person in the entire universe and he asked for my number. that's a big deal! sure, numbers get asked for on the daily, BUT I NEVER LIKE ANYONE!! i'd rather hold on to my lonely sad fantasy of what romance should like than to be in an ordinary relationship. ugh..... starry eyes wander my way again plzzzz

alright so maybe i've lost track. maybe everything will come back into alignment if I become an artist again instead of a lazy phone scrolling internet shopper. but am I allowed to prioritize my body and fitness above art? did i sign a contract with the devil of los angeles to become a perpetual artist?? i almost have a six pack for the first time in my entire life. I ATE LIKE A PIG YESTERDAY, AND MY STOMACH WAS STILL FLAT. WHAT UNIVERSE AM I IN RIGHT NOW lol I mean, there's still more work to be done, but my 60 situps a day seems to be working. 

also, what in the world am i doing n e x t? 

i have z e r o plans for the future. should i be worried about this? 

grad school sounds enticing. but only for a second. then it sounds like a gimmick. but what is anyone doing with their lives? silly me thinking i'd have a husband and a white picket fence by now. let's just throw any of those notions OUT the WINDOW OKAY? lol i don't know if that life was ever meant for me anyway, but then, what is? 

 

I just teared up at the sight of a monarch butterfly on a pine tree.

Walking over, I couldn't understand why I felt so low and heavy. I've always felt that my feelings were not mine alone -- but rather the feelings of everyone at the time. As I was thinking, I won't always feel

 this way, the butterfly flew past as if symbolizing itself as a reminder that tomorrow will always be a better day. 

I often feel guilty when I want to spend time alone. These days, it's been a little difficult to enjoy it even. I've been feeling slighted in my relationship. And I've been feeling pulled by work and maybe even my home life. As I'm sitting here, I wonder if Horticulture has a future for me. What kinds of classes could I take and where would it take me? I also want to express gratitude for the people in my life, for while I know my instinct is to almost always run and push everyone away, at the end of the day, I'm beyond grateful they're there. I guess I have a hard time being able to find my own emotions amongst the company of others. It's less so with Kevin which is why I've latched myself so close to him, but even he has his darker sex obsessed agendas... ah I'm a mess. Now I'm almost at tears at the mentioning of his name.... 

"oh my gawd, they're so good today!" the pretend voice explaining how amazing the pretend treats are..... lol 

Fitness and Nature might be my main jams these days! 

and as much as I try to deny it, winding down is partaken with a lot of Reddit, youtube, and comforting meals and drinks. 

I almost didn't sit here because there is a beehive in pretty close approximity to me right now, but I'm almost certain this bench was *made* for me. A petite sized bar length picnic bench. 10/10 Pierce college! great design. 

Alright, now to take the stairs to work on that butt o' mine!

remember be here now

i'm too bloated to think straight

or to remember what my point was on anything

my thoughts on love are diluted by my life experiences

and i'm never all too sure what direction to branch in

am i reading the right book? seems like the world is a library

idk 

in other news, I finished my first mural! i need to take some good photos of itttt

finally started on the furby still life~! gonna finish it up closer to the deadline :)

my car broke down today! almost got it towed, but decided to walk a half mile with my mom to buy some overpriced coolant from an arco. headed back and got some help from some cute ol' kiddo boys, with really good handshakes lol 

just found this band called Foxtrot. they're like impossible to find online and they sound SO good! 

i haven't dabbled in music in a minute! i should get back to that.

gotta do my sit ups for the day firsttt

also i've just been workin' a bunch

but omg, found TWO new hikes with amazingggg views. the first is called ladyface, and the second is at the sage ranch park up woolsey canyon. 

i wish for free flowing energy to surround me at all times, always. i need to get it in my head that i don't know what's best ( b u t what i f i doooooo)

i need more indie art surrounding me! not entirely sure but i think it has something to do with smith western playlists, tinsel chandelier photographs using flash in the dark, 

buuut making art alone is... not quite so fun! i'd like to make art with others! (preferably cute boyysssssszzz) omg cute boys are everything, and i don't think that will ever change ahaha. 

 So, there is this beautiful song by Deadmaus that I just discovered called "I Remember", and every time I play it, I just imagine playing a large event with Kevin on stage. He's working the electronics and I'm dancing around stage, singing occasionally.. it's.. something I hope to achieve! 

So, to do this, I'll have to sit down at my computer more. Write more songs, at least once a day! What do I like so much about this song? It's down tempo... yet still dance worthy.. 

What else is going on?

Been watching anime with Michael and Julie! We have a discord voice chat going while Michael shares his screen and that's pretty cool.. 

There's been a lot of life around me lately! Especially today it felt like! 

My tarot reading said I was the fool and that new bonds would be forming so that seems in alignment :) I just hope I don't spread myself too thin... it's important I get lattes with Kevin lol

Okay I should really be asleep

Gonna respond to some insta messages

And then try to pass out 

Gnite!!

 alright, some time alone to breathe and take in the moment

i have always wanted to be a force of kindness, sensitivity, and compassion. understanding, empathy, and simply leaving the smallest footprint possible each day. 

life is too short for any kind of tension and unneeded stress..

anyway, it feels good to be a spiritual being. to reflect and feel the souls of others pass through reminding us how we're all connected! it's a beautiful thing. 

no one is an enemy. i don't know why i'm writing this, but maybe it's a reminder for people out there. people on the left, people on the right, people who think they're right in a gray world where there might be more out there than certainty. 

anyway, let's talk about what's going on right now in my life.

so, for the past 6 days, I have been working! I woke up at 4:30AM for 5 out of 6 of those days, and one could easily say that the day of my later shift was the busiest one yet. 

i described it as tumbling through a washing machine because i honestly couldn't tell you if i have been sleeping too much or too little based on all the weird naps i had been taking. according to sean, it'll even out eventually, but as of right now, it feels like the world's weirdest schedule lol. but it has been nice getting off work at 11am! 

anyway, on to the next thing! so, i live in the valley. i've visited most establishments in this city numerous times, to the point that I could tell you what aisle to find scotch tape on. 

so what does this mean? I have this constant desire to find somewhere new. and since that doesn't exist most times, i settle for a new "sales section". and well, we all know that's not quite the same. 

does a new video game suffice? it's a very sedentary activity. i know i like being in motion... 

speaking of which! my bike pump came in the mail! i can ride my bike again now! 

i should probably research some beautiful bike trails and report my findings back here! maybe that will motivate me to do it! 

Cogswell Dam

okay, google says to try out this place

im bored of bloggin

BYE!

 

today was so beautiful

the nap I took in kevin's arms

I know that sounds cheesy

but it was so unbelievably peaceful

and we saw a view of the city 

after a great hiiike

that happens to be right by where I live!

we were afraid it was private property

we're still not fully sure,

but the place was empty

and showed footprints of other people 

and it was just too beautiful to 

not visit again :)

why was that nap so peaceful?

I cooked fried rice today!

I scarfed down a bowl for myself

and then made another when kevin came over 

Julie started a group chat with me and Michael! how cool!! we're going to play Mario kart online hehe

my mom brought over half a burrito

I ate it. fell asleep. and now I'm awake here at 2:30am

I'm trying to understand this 5:30am work schedule 

It's quite new to me 

Like, I'm off work by 11am. E l e v e n  AM. is that registering? I have the entire day or as much of the day before I get sleepy ahead of me! 

I was SO sensitive yesterday. I don't want to think about it too much but they took the plastic barrier down and I think I felt that was happening before it happened. I guess I'm excited about it! No more yelling, right? just need these masks to go away and we're groovy! 

I made lemon slushiesss

no sugar at all, just water

Kevin ate the whole thing! I guess he liked it ^_^ 

okay gonna browse Reddit for a bit

Oh and a melody came to me last night

I have to record it soonnn

(And finish editing the Persian cooking thing!)

I don't want to go alone - The Drums

push pull dont let them >> only being vague because im running late 4 work, but kali, your storm wont take this from me ❤

 

Maybe I expect too much from life. Since we are all connected and we can only be as happy as the ones we care about that surround us. What happens if you are happy even when someone else is not? Will your happiness permeate and rise their state of being or will you come across as a selfish, careless soul who places your own stance above that of others? I'm sure there is a happy medium between the two and also a time and a place for either. But what about when we are alone? In solitude? Sometimes I feel the souls of the people I care about. I can feel if they are in harmony with me or if something is in dissonance. 

Anyway, I drew some tarot cards earlier today and they basically told me to be bold and more light hearted and less in my head, so maybe I am overthinking it all. 

Remixed a Bach song a few hours earlier! What do you think?

Ruffles.. I dream of fabric being sewn into elegant ruffles... maybe I'll make a babydoll today, though I do have some editing to attend to...

If all goes to plan, I should be jamming with Julie this week! And going to the grand reopening of Amoeba with Kevin! 

Let's see what comes next ^__~

plantluvr · Contrapunctus 2.0

 Oh my gah

Finally finished editing

For the most part 

Do we post it?

Don't know if I'm ready to show this to ze world lol we'll see

I have another video to edit soon too!

Yay for no longer being scatter brained haha

well, oh well. what do we have here?

 AHHHH

i'm sitting in a comfortable chair.

wow. wow. wow. 

i've been meaning to make this plunge for a while now, and let me tell ya, my ass cheeks are thankful

what's new?

realized how much i miss so much today

and finally saw my family over facetime in forever

time fo dat vaccine

if i can find a place ...

what else?

eh. drew a bit here and there. found a cute dress on the clearance section of urban.

installed a MOTHOF)))KIN chair. there was a review on this chair that said it made someone remember their sailor cursing days after installing it lol

it. was. tuff. let me tell you lol

but alas, here we are all cozied in.

i see an image in my head .. of photography of the woods, overlayed with a neon yellow highlighter effect... of... anime drawings? 

what's the difference between an adobe plan and a cult? no clue. i mean they're both taking our money now aren't they

blarghhghghghghghg 

it's hard to explain how scatter brained i am at the moment

kbye!!!

my dream last night was one to write in the books..... i was this narcissistical character who didn't care about anything other than grabbing everyone's attention while letting some dramatic scene unfold (that problem hurt some people's feelings!). basically what happened was that i had come to an event with a close lover, but halfway through the event, i had bumped into a past lover - and in this dream, the reason why things ended between us was because we were much too long distance (in reality, this person was just not such a good person, but i digress...) anyway, in this dream he came across SO charming, SO cute, and SO attractive that I was falling right into his arms, and then I remembered that I had already come to the event with someone else but by then it was too late. everyone was looking at me and saw the panic in my eyes, and someone in the dream audience knew what was going on before i even said a word. the funniest part was that the mother of the new guy was there and she was emotional and sobbing in support for our connection. anyway, the guy that i went to the event with was hurt and left. i woke up feeling.... confused and annoyed with my dream self. 

anyway!! worked on the comic a bit more! that's what these next two images are. I did this while eating some broccoli soup and mm mm mmm i've got to learn how to make that myself! if last week was all about salads, maybe this week will be all about soups. 

okay ta ta for nowwww

i'm an axolotyl, you're an axolotyl, we are axolotyls and we like to waddle waddle!

feelings are such fleeting things, or maybe, it’s better to say that thoughts are fleeting. there has to be a divide between thoughts of my choice, and evil external forces. you hold no power over me and anything that is forced will crumble anyway! <3

back to my thoughts!

i’ve been on such a good health track lately! (well, not as of most recent lately lol which is why i am here now writing this blogpost so i can get myself back in the mindset of being on a good track)
i’m so grateful to be surrounded for the most part by people who are healthy. by people who are conscious of the foods they put into their body and of how much sunlight they absorb and how often they go on hikes and walks

i lost my good habits over the weekend. it’s okay because i turned thirty and that’s a big deal and it was the right time to be a bit more indulgent than usual, but now i am back to the normal routine and i want to get my thoughts in order.

when i wake up in the morning, i’d like to still attempt to try to reach 100 sit-ups. i can do 50 now! that is a big feat from the absolute limit of 33 i had before.

i think i should start with some mild warm ups and stretches. from there, i should do 30 jumping jacks. from there, i will do the 50 sit-ups (reserving 100 for some showy day where i do it for the sake of doing it rather than putting it into the morning routine) and I also really enjoying doing scissor sit up things! i don’t know what they’re called. you lay flat on your back and alternate raising your left and your right leg as they are straightened out.

i’m working on a painting right now, and i have this fear that i’ll never make anything i like this much again! but that’s just a fear.. it appeared one day so i’m sure another one will appear another day too.

i don’t want to be so hard on myself when it comes to visual arts. but maybe i should be more hard on myself when it comes to my trashy synth pop idea! which reminds me i have a song i’m working on riiiight nowww…

kevin and i made a fire in my backyard! i cooked us some potatoes on it and dayummm they were gooood.

recipe: wrap a raw potato in foil, and slice into thin circles almost entirely while leaving it connected. add olive oil, salt, smoked paprika, pepper, and dry onion flakes. heat up for ‘bout an hour. enjoy!

okay what else?

i think that’s it for now! the goal is to continue focusing on staying fit, eating healthy, writing trashy synth pop, and maybe more backyard camping with my lover if he’s down hehe

so we're reigning in thirty with a bang! currently seated in my backyard with a fire goin and smoke kinda blazin threw my eyes haha earlier today i crossed some rocks and there were lil crab friends hiding inside! we made s'mores and cajun seasoned sausages! i'm a happy camper, quite literally also kevinjust pecked me hehehe

hiding in my room, crawling next to me they're calling you

you guysss, i'm losin it!
if i told you the obscure thoughts ive had as of recent.... well first off, you'd probably be disinterested lol but secondly you'd probably be confused / weirded out / and might even laugh lol
(( also disclaimer because words are such evil monsters, 'i'm losin it' in my world is so far from the stereotypical things that are popping into your mind, so don't ' w o r r y ' because my insanity is all in good fun ))


okay first point of madness : a couple of years ago, i bought a print of a painting from a good friend of mine and it's of a mystical looking beast animal thing... last week, as i was fornicating with my lover, i noticed he took a stance that looked SO COOL, but also very beastlike. it's been an entire week and i just realized right now that I subconsciously thought he looked like the beast from the painting! *important* you are witnesses my first thoughts into the realm of becoming a furry hahaha no just kidding, but I have been fantasizing lately about a new persona with me and my lover! i'm wearing a baby pink wig and cat ears and he has dark black hair and blue/black fox ears (also a tank top, and spiky studded necklace!) we play trashy synth pop and sit back to back looking broody and moody and whatnot. also! just googled the word 'broody'... i always thought it just meant like gloomy, but apparently it also means wanting to have babies like hens laying eggs but oh god no that's not the one I was trying to say!!!! lowkey, there's an off chance that i might just want to live in my adolescent fantasy world forever and i fear society would want to judge me for that (well, maybe not society, but at least my mom lol)

ANYWAY! i've started not one, not two, but THREE trashy synth pop songs!! YAAY!
now to sit down, focus, and finish them

also, the lyrics are quite nonsensical but in a thoughtless way so i might have to rethink some of those...
with golden phrases such as

"electric bicycle,
riding down the yellow brick road
we had a hard time
'cause no one showed us the way
toxic forums sent us soarin
hiding in our text emojis
three out of fives alright
when you're floating away
see you later alligator
'cause you know i might have
made a mistake
mistake
mistake
mistake
mistake
take
take
take
ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta"

at least constellation love has it goin
"constellation love
you must be something sent from above
did i get here too late?
i thought i heard you once
but i never saw your face
i turn my head
and everything else was gone
the words exchanged
brought on by constellation love"

and the newest one which probably needs the most work
so far says
"hiding in my room
crawling next to me
they're calling you
did you see the moon
falling underneath
i thought of you
never wanna haunt me
never wanna hurt you
i never want to hurt you
never run away and find a way
to make a stand"

like, these words are placeholders with the right amount of syllables. that's all they are right now...... hopefully the lyrics will come to me later today. i'll work on them

this blog has some really cool gifs. couldn't figure out how to post the gif so here is a still. link to blog: https://peco-pech.tumblr.com/

new songgg

plantluvr · only thunder!

words were as mystical as purring animals

wish me luck, i'm aiming for 100!

 how would you feel if your partner " commanded " you to do 100 situps? I use the word " command " in quotations because it's less so of a command and more so a carrying out of a request that was originally brought up by yours truly. Here's the thing, I have never had abs. Here's also the thing, I have always wanted abs!! nothing too insane, just like a mild toning. I want my body to look like what I imagine a body should look like in my mind (and yes all body types are beautiful, but on the opposite end of things, I don't think there should be anything wrong with setting goals for ourselves either!) to answer that first question, I'm excited. I've never had anyone in my life push me in a physically positive direction. if anything, i've been taught that food is love (which i'm sure it is!! i just want to try a different way of living for now and see if i can look the way i want to be!)

so I'm sitting here eating a kale, red onion, cherry tomato, dill, blueberry caeser salad sippin on some iced coffee listening to some elevator jazz while writing a blog post, and maybe it's the spirit of the re-opening of the restaurant that I work at, but I am in high spirits to say the least. I know i probably sound like a broken record, but I think it's important to remember and reiterate that there is SO MUCH that I am grateful for. I am grateful for a loving mother, amazing managers and coworkers, friendly spirits and passerbys, access to healthy food, a roof over my head, a fucking computer to type on... like I just want it to be known that NONE of this is taken for granted, not even for a second. much love to the universe and everything within it <3 <3 <3

okay so I just got back from a three day trip to San Diego! here's a flikr album of some photos i took along the way! (the dark pics at the end are my first stab at ASTRAL PHOTOGRAPHY! :D) the camera picked up more stars than I saw with my naked eyeeee. cool stuff!!

 

alright what elseeee

i've decided i'm going to embrace W R I T I N G

poetry, lyrics, short stories, novels

whatever it is! 

I think what's so exciting about this next piece of writing i'm about to share with you is that even I, the "author", do not know where the story is going to go next. sure, i've got same abstract ideas of what could be pleasant directions, but the details are built on the spot, and i hope to make this a routine practice of mine. there's no editing involved yet, so read with a grain of salt. now without further ado, CARRY ON! <3

"we live in a town where the four seasons are made very apparent in a perfect crosshair.is it strange? yes. do we ever question it? not so much anymore. sure, there is the crosshatch lab corp but our average citizen has just come to accept that this is just the way it has always been, and to be honest, it's quite beautiful so most would say, just let it be.my school's campus is on the east side of town, which is our snowy region. Yes, there is a campus on the spring side (heck, now that I think of it, even a smaller one on the summer side) but I decided to study at crosshair's school of art, specifically in their field of fashion design.

I always saw these stunning runway shows growing up and it felt as if they all came from some fantasy land where only the most obscure and beautiful things from your dreams could exist.
Anyway, right now I am riding our metro to our dorm rooms. Class starts tomorrow and they've given us a day to settle in our new homes.
[[hide them in your dorm]]
Show her holding on to the top hand rail looking out the window. It's a tall train with a great view of the entire campus (which looks like a castle!). The train should be somewhat crowded with mostly students but maybe some professors with their noses in a newspaper as well. There is a group of batwing goth kids with cat ears and punk goth clothing. There are ordinary students conversing in the seats. But the main focus is looking at our main girl who has a window view, looking away from the packed subway.
The subway began clearing out, but our girl still hadn't reached her stop. I guess most students live at the lower level dorms... she looked around and she was the only one. But she was in awe of the view as the metro was going higher and higher into a snowy forest mountain. Until finally at the top of a hill stood a two story almost cabin like structure. "Final stop!" yelled the train driver. "Ah! I guess that's me!" She grabbed her briefcase and headed out the door. "Orchid Owl House" "hmm interesting name.."
She put her briefcase down and decided to knock. The doorknob was shaped like an owl. "Hello! Anybody home?" She yelled. She waited for a few moments but since there was no response, she decided to walk in. "Ah, door's open" "hello!! Anybody in here?" No answer. "Ah, there's a note on the coffee table!" "Welcome to Orchid Owl. Please select a room upstairs and make yourselves comfortable. We have some chili stewing in the slowcooker, as well as board games and a television set up." "Oh, how generous. They must have realized we'd be too far to go back into town this first night. Alright, I'll come back down for all this, but first, let me go see the rooms!!" She walked up the stairs and saw one room to her right, and a hallway to her left. The hallway had rooms on either sides. "Ah, first pick! Lucky me! Let me see what's down this hallway." "Oh wow, this one has a circle window! How dreamy!! Hmm it's a little smaller than the other two but I'm kind of in love with this view so this will have to be the one." She plopped her backpack on the bed and began sorting through her belongings. "Ahh it feels so good to take this backpack off! My books are so heavy T___T;" "hello!" She heard a young man's voice in the distance. "hey!! I'm up here!" He started walking up the stairs. "Oh wow, it's co-Ed! I wonder who my roommates will be! Ah I'm probably being rude, I should go greet him. "Hey!" "Hey!" "Are you my new roommate?" "Yup, just got here a few minutes ago actually!" "Oh amazing, well it's nice to meet you, my name is Sail." "Nice to meet you, Sail. I am --" "Hello!! Anybody home??" A lively female voice entered from downstairs. "Hey, yeah! We're up here!" I yelled. "And another arrives" Sail popped his head in the room across from me "oh wow, this room has two beds!" "Hey everyone!!" She was dressed in Kawaii red strawberries. Her aura was warm and cute! "my name is santa" "it's a pleasure to meet you, santa" I bowed. Sail wandered back out of the room "nice to meet you, my name is sail" sail bowed. "heyy!" "eh, here's comes our last roommate!" "we're up here!" sail yelled. "okay! coming!" she sounded young. "Ahh! Can someone help me??" we headed towards the stairs. sail ran down to help her "oh wow! that luggage is almost bigger than you!" hahah he carried it up the staircase for her. sail had pail hair and lots of piercings. so there's the cute Kawaii curly pink hair, there's the small punk guy, and there's "my name is snake" "snake? like the animal?" "yeah.. it's a long story" she kind of looks away. she has long straight black hair with straight bangs. at first glance you might think she is wearing an ordinary school uniform, but she had altered it with many little black bows, lace trims, and subtle goth embellishments.
Sail sonata and sunset"

 2day was a good day

made people happy which made me happy

'n hopeful 'n stuff hehe but maybe also 4 other reasons

my love, i miss you -- but i guess i almost always do

 can i enjoy it for just what it is?

during the span of this painting

i cried over missing my aunt

realizing i had little to offer my aunt

though i've always wanted to be the one to host the family gatherings...

i was hoping i would have a husband by now and i'd be a bit more stable

but it looks like i'm a teenage degenerate until the universe decides otherwise

i've met so many people in my life

some have been given greater importance than others

and to that i ask, why?

anyway, wow we're still here .... way to exist haha

radiohead's stupid song about dreamers never learning UGH i CRY EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME

lol we can laugh about it now, i guess

doesn't change the fact it ' hits deep ' 

we can deduce that (reduce?) to a simple statement

but just because a feeling can be adhered to a sentence in the english statement doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less

our stories are our stories and god only knows why they hit the way they do

maybe that's the beauty of it all

but it's a big fucking maybe haha

you look useful.

 'tis a new morning, a new morning 'tis!

I rearranged my bedroom and studio -- well, rearrange is an understatement. What was formerly my bedroom is now my studio, and vice versa, and well, as I am typing this right now, I am looking at a view of a beautiful mountain range. I didn't embrace this arrangement earlier because I feared losing the view that I was waking up to, however, I think this view is actually a great motivator to get to work! 

So here I am, sitting with a cup of mildly laxative tea because I had mussels and linguine from a questionable underly-crowded bar yesterday before 4pm. My stomach is mildly upset at me, thus the mildly laxative tea. 

This is actually pretty cool! I haven't rolled out of bed with a reason in so long!! It's crazy how something as mundane as a furniture arrangement can truly dictate your life, so if you are reading this, I hope you have tried out some arrangements in your home to know for certain that your current setup is the most optimal. :)

So, here's the next question: how do I feel about losing the 'love of my life'? Well, I can only hope he returns before our vacation rolls around, but until then, I'm actually doing quite alright! I'm going to work out in a bit (after this cup of tea), and I'm excited to dabble with my sampler some more! Also eager to draw some anime. Speaking of which, I've noticed I am more productive when I go into a task knowing roughly what it is I am aiming for. So let's start by tackling this idea of "drawing anime". Am I making an illustration? No, I still have a desire to make a black and white manga. As for story lines, I have a rough idea but I don't want to narrow it down entirely because I want the drawings to surprise me along the way. Kevin made a joke last week about casually saying to a girl, "You'll be useful." This made me crack up because it's such an ambiguous statement and I imagined an "ordinary" girl being introduced to someone new and hearing that for the first time reacting by getting flustered. lol Maybe she is in a new school, a fashion magic school, and is being shown around the campus hallways. The dude that says this is YOU GUYS there was an ant in my tea T____T and it was boiled down so well that it was just the exo skeleton of an ant T____T;;;;; alright, gonna have some steamed protein added to my breakfast against my will lol 

okay back to the story, so yeah she's the new girl on this fashion school campus being shown around. there should definitely be a scene with some intimating gothy witch girls (that later end up being her friends), as well as this "you look useful" character which ends up being the teacher's assistant....who knows about the mysterious 13th floor of the library... 

is she being shown around the school by herself? or is it a group showing? i think a group showing would be ideal since it can give us a chance to introduce some more extended characters, like maybe a chubby nerdy kid, a quiet rival, some cheery pro school girls, a sports forward almost too rowdy maybe even a bully kid, and maybe one of these tropes can be twins to give it a spin... like the quiet rivals could be a guy and a girl with icy platinum hair. the TA eyes down the girl, rubbing his chin while mentally making notes, then walks slowly up to our main heroine and recites the line. what? @.@;;; me?? she gets dizzy and flustered lol

as for samples, 

a row of drums

a row of pads

a row of fun samples 

and repeat for multiple banks

but i want to draw this morning <3

ttyl!

 Every now and then, 

I start to feel inferior. 

I start to feel I'm not good enough. 

I start to feel I'm not producing [[at all]] enough. 

With minimal time taken to reflect on all of which has happened...

Maybe in some ways, I wonder if I'm "doing LA" wrong. 

I wonder if I'm a bad influence on people! 

I wonder if in my seclusive state, I can make any rational judgements on myself -- and if I make no judgements whatsover, if I result in a state of being lost...

Why am I being so hard on myself right now? Well, these are definitely external forces... not from within.

If I was following my voice alone, sans any insecurities whatsoever, I would know that I am actually happy! I have a beautiful room to work out in. I have a beautiful mom. I have a loving boyfriend. I have a lot to be grateful for! I guess it's just scary when someone jabs at ya. And sometimes people mean no harm, it just happens. 

Anyway, the truth is, I don't like being alone as much anymore. Maybe I like it right at this moment -- it's giving me a chance to reflect... but what I enjoy these days is being lost in the present and sometimes for some people, that isn't good enough! I have no stature in LA, what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. i'm working a minimum wage job. what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. I guess the underlying hope is that I get married and start a family and all that jazz.... but there is fear in the unknown. I definitely prefer enjoy what is before me, but the truth is, things have changed a bit... not enough to walk away, but enough to feel its weight. sigh. 

i am a machine -- that is heard and seen by others -- and so i must produce content that entertains.

does this sentence or does this sentence not resonate with you? 

as i sit hear, listening to bach, i start to wonder - does that have to matter, at all? like even in the least bit? 

tell me... is there any beauty in tackling to create howl's costume? is there any beauty in latte art? is there any beauty in dabbling in music here and there? is there any beauty in... reminiscing in the past? in insecurities?

what is the past? what really is it? life has a way. life always has a way. i can't worry about that because divine timing is most definitely a real thing. everything is divine timing. if something wasn't happening that should be happening, something would intervene. 

are you satisfied enough? is that the goal of life? to be satisfied? 

UGH 

i just need a nap lol

bye

but no.. i want to stay awake because.... anime with kevin......... ughghghghghghghg

but i am le tired. just gonna lay down for a minute

a rant on tame Impala and romance

 Please, don't take answers from eyes.

You know that mine can't lie quite as well as yours.

-- okay, I finally figured out why I have been so obsessed with this song!! 

It's because it sets the premise for the manga I want to write. A world where all that matters is everyone's current love lives. It takes place in a 1960's art and fashion warehouse, and you "can't believe what I just found out!!" 

How could you leave me for her?? Hysterical... raccoon like eyes with long lashes 

Our love was the whole world!!!!

But maybe he didn't. She's trying to read his eyes to find the truth

And the truth ends up being that SHE was the one who was lying! mwuahahahahha

I don't know. It sounds cool for a second but maybe what I like more about it is the idea of living such a carefree lifestyle that trivial things can be blown to cosmically karmic proportions! 

The tale of boy and girl where their every subtle move is worth noting. She wore her hair down today.

He designed a new dress.

ANYWAY

The song goes on to say something like this and maybe I'm hearing it wrong but I've always read these next lyrics in the viewpoint of a god watching over that boy and that girl and trying to explain in cosmic terms how they are missing a beat (of perfection)

You will never know how hard I try

To keep from waning on and waiting at the start

They never quite get it right because they're mortals after all 

But there is a "right" way and it does go above the rest

The subtle dance between a soft jab of heartbreak and a world of loving, compassionate eyes. 

Some may call it manipulation

But I call it being alive 

Knowing when to tug and when to turn away

"Elodie, look at me, unless you're trying to hurt me"

How the direction of someone's eyes can affect another so deeply

Ugh! 

 Oh my god, who am I?

An infinite cycle. An infinite routine. I just need to wrap my mind around that for a moment because it feels like every other day I'm on the hunt for something else, and the truth is, there simply isn't. Or is there? Maybe I'm ready for a family. Maybe I'm ready to settle down. I know I enjoy having that which cannot be named around, but he has his own life and I have to respect that! Even though, nature would argue this is not such a farfetched path of change lol alright, so let's put it this way, I'm hopeful <3

Maternal womanly nonsense aside!!! Where am I?! I'm currently listening to a 10-hour loop of the Pokemon Center theme song in the background, sipping on some luke warm coffee. Ah, the present... there's nothing quite like it. I like the notion of giving importance to every little thing around me. Like how the weather has been slightly colder than usual lately, or 

oh hey my mom just got off the phone and we're in the middle of a movie!! BRB!

okay wait, false alarm. she's busy right now

S P - 4 0 4 !!!!

I finally sat down to mess with it a bit today! no clue what I was doin but it can make some sickkk soundsss hehe

I figured out a setup in which I can feed sounds from my computer into the 404 and record them directly! I didn't realize I could do that. I thought I could only upload them to the SD card, so this is a much more l i v e way of doing things! 

v a t else? work has kind of been getting to me a bit lately... with the restaurant shut down, all the food related stuff goes through the coffee shop and well, it's just a different vibe than simply working a cool coffee shop. but it's okay. this is temporary, for starters, and I just have to keep reminding myself that I have SO much to be grateful for: a 15 minute work commute, amazing coworkers, and chill week days. its' really just saturdays and sundays that kinda jab at me, but in all honesty, even that doens't get to me when i'm in a good mood. ( just need to see you know who more often haha that seems to raise my spirits like no other for whatever reason )

made a sketch the other night! kinda stoked about it!

well, I guess that's all for now.... !

oh, got some new shades 8)

there in the car so you might have to use your imagination a bit, but these glasses are new too!! aren't they cool?? 

UGH, I knowww I want to draw more... what can I do to keep up the creative energy? 

 

my mom's in idaho!

got myself a a roland sp404sx!

i'm sitting here with a slightly upset stomach

digesting the porridge i made a few hours earlier

watching ally mcbeal about a decade later than everyone else

 

i went to CD Trader yesterday with kevin 

and picked up a couple of albums that were under the "exotic lounge" category heheh

since laptops these days don't have cd drives, i was lucky to have an external cd drive lying around

booted up those bad boys -- the first album, purple penguin, it's got lots of sampling potential

the second album, a very traditional hawaiian album... there was one song i think i could use

the last album straight up didn't load... womp womp

but it's interesting

i gathered all the samples from my songs

and... i'm not so sure how i feel about the way it translates

i think i want to have more leeway room and less fully constructed music

so i'm stoked to start with a blank slate and draw samples from all kinds of places

okay i'm sleepy & i've got an early shift tomorrowwww

good night ya'll <3

oh also, a very cool band asked me to play with them..... is that something i should do?! i wonder..... 

okay til next time!!

 

 Well, what can we say? These are magical times. I got the amp of my dreams and then some. My goal at this point has been to decorate my studio in such a way that it becomes the coziest, most creatively encouraging (wo)man cave, and I'd say we're getting crazy close, if not already there. 

I was playing Passenger cover songs for my mom last night, and then Kevin came over and I had a beautiful pleasure of showing him Bright Eyes for the first time. I think he might have the most loving eyes I've seen in the world -- I was definitely singing along to "A Perfect Sonnet" with great passion, but in the past, I had been met with rejection and disapproval for my tastes so a wild insecurity had brewed within me over the years. Am I finally surrounded with people who could understand? That would be insanely amazing.

Okay, do we talk about this Vox amp yet? ahaha. It's kind of everything and then some. I took a chance and found a drum and looper pedal on Amazon with no reviews whatsoever, but it had a great price point and I'm in need of a pseudo musician to play with in these trying times (who am I kidding, I'd want to explore jamming along myself in any kind of times lol).

Words. Words are a beautiful thing! Words are something that I've stayed away from for a long time. I grew up with a single parent who while she is literally the most amazing and intelligent person I know, her first language was not English and even though I went to school in Los Angeles, I had always felt subtly crippled in this way. It could just be an arbitrary insecurity as well, but whatever the case, I never felt I had what it takes to use words in a poetic way. Poetry. What kind of message do you make? Are you a sad poet? Do you kick yourself down when you're low? To see the depths of pain and sorrow? I'd like to take a moment to examine the song, A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes. "I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE TIED TOGETHER, THROWN INTO THE OCEAN IN THE WORST OF WEATHER. LEFT THERE TO DROWN LEFT THERE TO DROWN IN THEIR INNOCENCE" which is eventually followed up with "I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE CHAINED TOGETHER THROWN INTO A FIRE WITH THEIR SONGS AND LETTERS LEFT THERE TO BURN LEFT THERE TO BURN IN THEIR ARROGANCE"

and lastly met with (in a softer voice)

"Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers. Laid entwined together in a bed of clover. Left there to dream left there to dream in their happiness"

Alright this ones a roller coaster, and I don't know about you, but a relatable one at that. It's like, your whole life you hear about this love thing and you're finally like, ugh what is all the fuss about? Is it my turn yet? Alright let's give this a go. If I go in with all that I've got, there's no way it'll turn out bad like some of these other stories I've heard about. And so you go in, full force and maybe I'm being presumptuous but I'd say you'd deserve to burn in your arrogance at this point hehe. Though I do hope that's not the case, and so does Oberst except he already mentions early on its somewhat doomed by saying they deserve to drown in their innocence. At the end, it feels as if he knows it's hopeless but he remembers the moments where he felt the bliss and highs of what he thought could be and decided to give homage to those moments, to create a shrine for those moments no matter how fleeting they may be. As an influential sixteen year older who definitely doesn't know any better yet, the passion in this song hit me in a way that I just wanted to believe every word as strongly as he sang it. I never took the time to read into the lyrics... maybe I quoted a blip here and there on my livejournal or MySpace or whatever was the medium at the time, but it was a reflection of that passion which took me in, not any kind of acceptance of failed love for I had not known it yet (though that phase was short lived. I've always had the grandiose pleasures of being met with heartaches early on hehe) (I'm sure you have too...) (it's so easy to feel like you're the only one and I'm only going to let myself bathe in those thoughts just enough to feel the water and then hop out) (maybe that's insight enough to the voice of my upcoming poetry... I can adore bright eyes for singeing his words with such expressive depth, but perhaps when the time comes for me to write my own, I'd singe and then breathe)..