2day was a good day

made people happy which made me happy

'n hopeful 'n stuff hehe but maybe also 4 other reasons

my love, i miss you -- but i guess i almost always do

 can i enjoy it for just what it is?

during the span of this painting

i cried over missing my aunt

realizing i had little to offer my aunt

though i've always wanted to be the one to host the family gatherings...

i was hoping i would have a husband by now and i'd be a bit more stable

but it looks like i'm a teenage degenerate until the universe decides otherwise

i've met so many people in my life

some have been given greater importance than others

and to that i ask, why?

anyway, wow we're still here .... way to exist haha

radiohead's stupid song about dreamers never learning UGH i CRY EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME

lol we can laugh about it now, i guess

doesn't change the fact it ' hits deep ' 

we can deduce that (reduce?) to a simple statement

but just because a feeling can be adhered to a sentence in the english statement doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less

our stories are our stories and god only knows why they hit the way they do

maybe that's the beauty of it all

but it's a big fucking maybe haha

you look useful.

 'tis a new morning, a new morning 'tis!

I rearranged my bedroom and studio -- well, rearrange is an understatement. What was formerly my bedroom is now my studio, and vice versa, and well, as I am typing this right now, I am looking at a view of a beautiful mountain range. I didn't embrace this arrangement earlier because I feared losing the view that I was waking up to, however, I think this view is actually a great motivator to get to work! 

So here I am, sitting with a cup of mildly laxative tea because I had mussels and linguine from a questionable underly-crowded bar yesterday before 4pm. My stomach is mildly upset at me, thus the mildly laxative tea. 

This is actually pretty cool! I haven't rolled out of bed with a reason in so long!! It's crazy how something as mundane as a furniture arrangement can truly dictate your life, so if you are reading this, I hope you have tried out some arrangements in your home to know for certain that your current setup is the most optimal. :)

So, here's the next question: how do I feel about losing the 'love of my life'? Well, I can only hope he returns before our vacation rolls around, but until then, I'm actually doing quite alright! I'm going to work out in a bit (after this cup of tea), and I'm excited to dabble with my sampler some more! Also eager to draw some anime. Speaking of which, I've noticed I am more productive when I go into a task knowing roughly what it is I am aiming for. So let's start by tackling this idea of "drawing anime". Am I making an illustration? No, I still have a desire to make a black and white manga. As for story lines, I have a rough idea but I don't want to narrow it down entirely because I want the drawings to surprise me along the way. Kevin made a joke last week about casually saying to a girl, "You'll be useful." This made me crack up because it's such an ambiguous statement and I imagined an "ordinary" girl being introduced to someone new and hearing that for the first time reacting by getting flustered. lol Maybe she is in a new school, a fashion magic school, and is being shown around the campus hallways. The dude that says this is YOU GUYS there was an ant in my tea T____T and it was boiled down so well that it was just the exo skeleton of an ant T____T;;;;; alright, gonna have some steamed protein added to my breakfast against my will lol 

okay back to the story, so yeah she's the new girl on this fashion school campus being shown around. there should definitely be a scene with some intimating gothy witch girls (that later end up being her friends), as well as this "you look useful" character which ends up being the teacher's assistant....who knows about the mysterious 13th floor of the library... 

is she being shown around the school by herself? or is it a group showing? i think a group showing would be ideal since it can give us a chance to introduce some more extended characters, like maybe a chubby nerdy kid, a quiet rival, some cheery pro school girls, a sports forward almost too rowdy maybe even a bully kid, and maybe one of these tropes can be twins to give it a spin... like the quiet rivals could be a guy and a girl with icy platinum hair. the TA eyes down the girl, rubbing his chin while mentally making notes, then walks slowly up to our main heroine and recites the line. what? @.@;;; me?? she gets dizzy and flustered lol

as for samples, 

a row of drums

a row of pads

a row of fun samples 

and repeat for multiple banks

but i want to draw this morning <3

ttyl!

 Every now and then, 

I start to feel inferior. 

I start to feel I'm not good enough. 

I start to feel I'm not producing [[at all]] enough. 

With minimal time taken to reflect on all of which has happened...

Maybe in some ways, I wonder if I'm "doing LA" wrong. 

I wonder if I'm a bad influence on people! 

I wonder if in my seclusive state, I can make any rational judgements on myself -- and if I make no judgements whatsover, if I result in a state of being lost...

Why am I being so hard on myself right now? Well, these are definitely external forces... not from within.

If I was following my voice alone, sans any insecurities whatsoever, I would know that I am actually happy! I have a beautiful room to work out in. I have a beautiful mom. I have a loving boyfriend. I have a lot to be grateful for! I guess it's just scary when someone jabs at ya. And sometimes people mean no harm, it just happens. 

Anyway, the truth is, I don't like being alone as much anymore. Maybe I like it right at this moment -- it's giving me a chance to reflect... but what I enjoy these days is being lost in the present and sometimes for some people, that isn't good enough! I have no stature in LA, what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. i'm working a minimum wage job. what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. I guess the underlying hope is that I get married and start a family and all that jazz.... but there is fear in the unknown. I definitely prefer enjoy what is before me, but the truth is, things have changed a bit... not enough to walk away, but enough to feel its weight. sigh. 

i am a machine -- that is heard and seen by others -- and so i must produce content that entertains.

does this sentence or does this sentence not resonate with you? 

as i sit hear, listening to bach, i start to wonder - does that have to matter, at all? like even in the least bit? 

tell me... is there any beauty in tackling to create howl's costume? is there any beauty in latte art? is there any beauty in dabbling in music here and there? is there any beauty in... reminiscing in the past? in insecurities?

what is the past? what really is it? life has a way. life always has a way. i can't worry about that because divine timing is most definitely a real thing. everything is divine timing. if something wasn't happening that should be happening, something would intervene. 

are you satisfied enough? is that the goal of life? to be satisfied? 

UGH 

i just need a nap lol

bye

but no.. i want to stay awake because.... anime with kevin......... ughghghghghghghg

but i am le tired. just gonna lay down for a minute