twenty twenty four is 15 minutes away

 I just woke up from a nap,

and my dreams are telling me

we're all connected 

but like, in some American way 

I can't fully explain it

don't understand it

but I get the feeling that

well, 

maybe we're all cyborgs and

when you watch a good movie 

and the actors on the screen 

make you feel a certain way,

that comes with you in your

waking life! 

I'm trying to decide if it's like a

natural human soul connection 

or if it's like a linking android connection

I'll get back to you on that

hopefully by next year lol

maybe I'll be a lizard person by then

and have the inside scoop hehe

anyway! goals for 2024?!

staring in the mirror just now

after gurgling salt water and

poking my ears and nostrils

with sinus blaster,

I kept telling myself

let's be something more than a ho

this year

I'm not a ho, but I think what my

harsh internal monologue was trying 

to get at was that I've placed a lot of

weight on my romantic relationship 

(or glorified booty call?)

depends on which lense you're looking at it

but anyway, 

point is: I've lost sight of my dreams a bit!

mostly because I feel so alone when I'm doing them

and as an only child, I always liked doing 

things on my own. 

I remember my cousin wanting to build something with Legos with me one day, and I refused. I have always wanted to do it myself

kevin just got a new synth! 

after our steamy new years eve 3 week waited hookup, (which I'm sure everyone hates me for because I had been crying and moping that whole time stating this time things were over for real)

he told me we should start an electronic duo band together. man, what a dream that would be! and then people would come to our shows, and my fear of being alone forever would finally start to disappate! I think.

anyway, we're not exclusive according to him, so the window for my life to be pulled in some other way is still there. according to my recent tarot, I need to just surrender more, but to be honest, I'm so sad by the idea that the purity of what Kevin and I have had these past few years will (wait what am I on about? we totally hooked up with other people early on in our relationship) ah whatever

come what may! just make sure I'm not lying to myself and draggin in "nice guys" cuz that's just dull 

don't be a hooooo lol

I can hear fireworks off in the distance 

we're 4 minutes away 

well, I'm not at some wild party about to kiss a stranger, but I think I had my own kind of magic tonight 

2024, the year of.. vlogging?

 So, I was watching one of my favorite youtubers and I began to wonder.... how does she set up all these camera angles of herself and at such early hours in the morning? it must be something fairly easy because she was able to film herself with only like 15 minutes sometimes before she had to head off for whatever else she was doing next in her day. and then I saw it. her phone was in a shot and I noticed something peculiar on the back of it. where as most people had popsockets or stick on wallets, she had a sticker with many little suction cups, and it was in that moment that I understood! she could stick her phone to literally any kind of glass or metal surface! I haven't tried it out yet, but I think this means I can vlog in my car by sticking my phone to the touchscreen display? it's either that or the rear view mirror and that doesn't seem as legal lol. (this vlogger's name is Cora btw)

which brings me to my next thought: who the heck am I to have so many interesting things to say everyday? and I think that approach is outdated and I have two hot takes on it. one, is viewing the camera as your best friend. someone that is everyone that you simply bring along with you so that neither party feels alone. and in a sense, it's true because there are literal viewers on the other end of the camera if you end up being successful.  

the other take is actually inspired by an emma chamberlain video. one day she posted a video that was different from her usual style. instead of talking to the camera casually, she filmed her life in a series of aesthetic shots which she then pieced together cinematically with the most fitting instrumental music. it felt like her life was a casual Wes Anderson film and somehow she made it look effortless and achievable. it probably takes years of being a vlogger to pull something like that off, but now I know this style of vlogging is out there so maybe I'll find ways to allude to it. (in time lol).

and maybe there will be days where I have things to say! I just don't want to force that aspect of things especially when I'm not much of a big thinker in my free time anyway. actually, these days I'm more of a lounger but that's not going to translate very well so I'll have to turn to sewing, and taking care of my pets to create content. but I'd also like to film more casual daily parts of my life, like commuting to work and opening shifts. I think it would be fun to document that journey! 

"get ready with me as I work the opening shift as a barista at a coffee shop" ! something like that. 

where can I sticky my phone to capture what my car sees? hmm.. not sure but I'm hoping it'll just come to me. 

and then maybe another video of how I like spending my days off. like hiking at rocky peak, and thrifting in simi! 

and then after that I have no idea. but let's start here for now haha

wish me luck!! <3

ps here are some things I'm waiting in the mail for...