Where are we right now? Well, I asked who I thought was my boyfriend of five years that if "shit got real" if he'd be there for me and he made me sound like a pity case. You know when people are excited to start a future together? Yeah, the best I got was, "oh okay, well if I have an apartment... and... you needed a place to stay.. uhh... yeah sure I'd help you out".
What was my karma to attract this relationship? sigh. And how was I so blind for so long? Is being alone really that awful? I don't think it is. I've been alone so much in this relationship anyway, so the muscle is totally ready to handle that.
I used to play Tame Impala on repeat. "in all of the universe there is nobody for me"
I still feel that way. When you first meet someone, they can be anybody and your mind fills in the gaps with all these hopeful thoughts of how you don't know the concrete answers of how they feel about anything, so obviously, of course they would be as positive about the world as you are. Well, five years is long enough to know the answers to those questions and the veil of the unknown is lifted and all that remains is the dark truth: you let someone have access to your body, repetitively, for the sake of "fun" that you believed would lead to something bigger. Well, it never did. So, lesson learned. I'm sure it doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things but man, our bodies are so sacred and I just always knew sex was so dumb. I knew it to the core of my soul but you don't want to be weird, and you go with the flow and you know who gets the wrong end of the deal? women. maybe. I don't know. why am I talk on account of all woman? But I will say this, I got the bad end of the deal and I'm writing this out to see it head on.
Maybe if I would have had an older sister or an older brother or a nuclear family role model I wouldn't fall into traps that I didn't know about. I'm not trying to say I didn't partake but I will say I was hopeful every step of the way that this was just the path to the perfect life and well, I'm ripping the bandaid off.
And wow. I really pushed *everyone* away. I don't know who there was but if you were there, I'm sure I pushed you away.
Now on to my next thought. What matters in a relationship? What matters, truly? Looks fade. Mine are already on the way out and I spent way too long focusing on what the other person looks like.
Everyone's on their own journey. I'm sure this happened the way it did because I picked someone based on a first impression, based on their looks.
I deleted social media. I switched to a dumb phone. I kind of did all these things because I was placing security in my false relationship.
I'm so dumb. And maybe irreversibly dumb lol.
Whatever. At least I'm free now. What happens next lands in destiny's hands. I'm not rushing into anything.
