twenty twenty four is 15 minutes away

 I just woke up from a nap,

and my dreams are telling me

we're all connected 

but like, in some American way 

I can't fully explain it

don't understand it

but I get the feeling that

well, 

maybe we're all cyborgs and

when you watch a good movie 

and the actors on the screen 

make you feel a certain way,

that comes with you in your

waking life! 

I'm trying to decide if it's like a

natural human soul connection 

or if it's like a linking android connection

I'll get back to you on that

hopefully by next year lol

maybe I'll be a lizard person by then

and have the inside scoop hehe

anyway! goals for 2024?!

staring in the mirror just now

after gurgling salt water and

poking my ears and nostrils

with sinus blaster,

I kept telling myself

let's be something more than a ho

this year

I'm not a ho, but I think what my

harsh internal monologue was trying 

to get at was that I've placed a lot of

weight on my romantic relationship 

(or glorified booty call?)

depends on which lense you're looking at it

but anyway, 

point is: I've lost sight of my dreams a bit!

mostly because I feel so alone when I'm doing them

and as an only child, I always liked doing 

things on my own. 

I remember my cousin wanting to build something with Legos with me one day, and I refused. I have always wanted to do it myself

kevin just got a new synth! 

after our steamy new years eve 3 week waited hookup, (which I'm sure everyone hates me for because I had been crying and moping that whole time stating this time things were over for real)

he told me we should start an electronic duo band together. man, what a dream that would be! and then people would come to our shows, and my fear of being alone forever would finally start to disappate! I think.

anyway, we're not exclusive according to him, so the window for my life to be pulled in some other way is still there. according to my recent tarot, I need to just surrender more, but to be honest, I'm so sad by the idea that the purity of what Kevin and I have had these past few years will (wait what am I on about? we totally hooked up with other people early on in our relationship) ah whatever

come what may! just make sure I'm not lying to myself and draggin in "nice guys" cuz that's just dull 

don't be a hooooo lol

I can hear fireworks off in the distance 

we're 4 minutes away 

well, I'm not at some wild party about to kiss a stranger, but I think I had my own kind of magic tonight 

2024, the year of.. vlogging?

 So, I was watching one of my favorite youtubers and I began to wonder.... how does she set up all these camera angles of herself and at such early hours in the morning? it must be something fairly easy because she was able to film herself with only like 15 minutes sometimes before she had to head off for whatever else she was doing next in her day. and then I saw it. her phone was in a shot and I noticed something peculiar on the back of it. where as most people had popsockets or stick on wallets, she had a sticker with many little suction cups, and it was in that moment that I understood! she could stick her phone to literally any kind of glass or metal surface! I haven't tried it out yet, but I think this means I can vlog in my car by sticking my phone to the touchscreen display? it's either that or the rear view mirror and that doesn't seem as legal lol. (this vlogger's name is Cora btw)

which brings me to my next thought: who the heck am I to have so many interesting things to say everyday? and I think that approach is outdated and I have two hot takes on it. one, is viewing the camera as your best friend. someone that is everyone that you simply bring along with you so that neither party feels alone. and in a sense, it's true because there are literal viewers on the other end of the camera if you end up being successful.  

the other take is actually inspired by an emma chamberlain video. one day she posted a video that was different from her usual style. instead of talking to the camera casually, she filmed her life in a series of aesthetic shots which she then pieced together cinematically with the most fitting instrumental music. it felt like her life was a casual Wes Anderson film and somehow she made it look effortless and achievable. it probably takes years of being a vlogger to pull something like that off, but now I know this style of vlogging is out there so maybe I'll find ways to allude to it. (in time lol).

and maybe there will be days where I have things to say! I just don't want to force that aspect of things especially when I'm not much of a big thinker in my free time anyway. actually, these days I'm more of a lounger but that's not going to translate very well so I'll have to turn to sewing, and taking care of my pets to create content. but I'd also like to film more casual daily parts of my life, like commuting to work and opening shifts. I think it would be fun to document that journey! 

"get ready with me as I work the opening shift as a barista at a coffee shop" ! something like that. 

where can I sticky my phone to capture what my car sees? hmm.. not sure but I'm hoping it'll just come to me. 

and then maybe another video of how I like spending my days off. like hiking at rocky peak, and thrifting in simi! 

and then after that I have no idea. but let's start here for now haha

wish me luck!! <3

ps here are some things I'm waiting in the mail for... 

Okay so! I ordered a new guinea pig enclosure. It's by Kavee Cages. I was having a hard time deciding between a DIY cage and one of these. Honestly, I was leaning towards a DIY cage but the fear of throwing lots of money into a project without a certain outcome is what ultimately led me to just ordering one of these cages instead. What's cool about this enclosure is that it has transparent panels in the front, so I can film my piggies without bars covering their faces now. 

The photo on top is a new view I found on a hike I had always gone on. I decided to walk further than I had before for the first time today and I'm so glad I did because I got to sunbathe with a new view of the city. 

I also wore my step counter watch today and I am at 9k steps currently! Half of those were uphill too so I feel like that should give me some kind of bonus. 

That next photo is of a male guinea pig I saw at the Porter Ranch Petco. Oh my God he is so cute. Between his long flowing hair, and skunk like appearance, I wish so badly I could house him with my girls. I just can't imagine forcing an animal to go through a surgery to remove their organs. I know it's like "normal" but it just seems messed up to me. I hope he finds a good home. <3

I had a dream last night that I was at someone's house on some sort of vacation trip. I ended up leading the way to a hike that ran along a flowing stream of water. It was such a beautiful nature scene, (like literally beyond perfect in a way that only a dream would know how to evoke). Anyway, once I was on the trail, I found out the name of the hike was "Eventually" by Tame Impala! lol. It then turned into some nature music festival and I had never been so ecstatic! Somehow the group of people I was with said we had to turn back. I remember being so bummed we didn't go through with the hike, and there was a very fit Hawaiian man who said we had to all go eat now, and he was complaining about how if we didn't, he would have enough protein for his muscles, and I told him we had to go hike because if we didn't, I'd get pudgy! 

Anyway, I woke up from the dream feeling like I should never "want" anything and that it's best to "go with the flow". 

The theme of right now is purging. I have just too much stuff in my room and it's stunting me from being creative. I want to sew a simple dress with a beaded seahorse on it. I also should paint these black nails at some point. 

ok brb gonna grow some wheatgrass in pots if I can muster the energy hehe

 

toxic tendencies?

time to check in with myself once again.

starry desert as an online couture brand? 

or maybe just as photos on this blog so the pressures a little released haha 

obviously I'm a guinea pig and hamster owner. I'm not planning on making videos every week though. the energy of doing important cleaning for the camera doesn't always feel right, and I end up not doing things as thoroughly as I would off camera. plus it's starting to get repetitive so.... hamhamuniverse needs some brainstorming but I'm sure it will unfold organically in due time. 

just like my dancing tiktok. the videos seem to be made at their own pace lol

1970'S FANTASY ART - okay this is a new thing I like. alongside vintage manga horror art. I don't know what I plan on doing with this yet but ideally before I die, I'll become a manga artist lol. maybe inktober will be a good time to explore this. 

music's taken a back seat to sewing. 

and hikes are on hold until the giant crowds of snakes stop rattling at me. this happened twice already, not even kidding.

period cramps. hurting. ttys

omg omg omg omg

 I haven't made a blog post in... SO LONG!

where am I right now? who am I these days? What kinds of things make me happy??

so much to think about it haha

I'm noticing a pattern with myself....

I seem to wake up each morning with a different dream life. Is that bad?

I told myself I'd dedicate sooo much time to making horror manga. I still definitely want to do that, but today I'd rather make music later. is that so bad? I think not, but I do worry I'll never be known for anything because i've dipped my toes in every body of water and never swam in any one thing. 

like, when people ask you, what do you do?

hmm... well, I like to paint.. sometimes.

I like to write music, sometimes.

I like to sew, sometimes.

I like to make youtube videos, sometimes.

I like to make tiktok videos, sometimes. 

I made a new rule with myself, I'm not allowed to feed into my angst or anxiety if my step counter watch hasn't reached 6500. lol

Anyway, I think with small steps, everything will bloom in due time. I'm not going to worry.

I found so much new music today! And I went on a hike in a pine forest. I'm gooood. hehe

got some new work pants too. but noticed a hole in my boots. hm... 

so much cleaning to do...... gonna get to it, eventually haha toodles!!

ps, don't forget your demonic dream and the doll that appeared afterwards, AHHH!!!

these days

 

Remember to be here now.
In the past, I always liked keeping a blog because it was the one place where I could truly be honest with myself and understand how I was feeling about the things that were going on on my life.
These days, I feel a bit more fluid. I try not to give too much importance to anyone or anything. Things come, things go. I basically just try to focus on being outdoors in nature, staying in shape, and finding productive ways to pass the time. I know I should be productive today... but a part of me wants to read my book outside if it isn't too cold. Another part of me wants to sit at the computer and do a lot of nothing on the internet while slowly creating a mock up of my next painting. Another part of me wants to take a nice, hot bath but fears I will lose energy once I get out. Another part of me wants to clean the small bits and pieces in my room so I can have a clearer mind. And lastly, another part of me wants to learn a new shuffle dance.
But which part do we listen to?

I went on an hour long hike / walk today. There were fuzzy caterpillars, pincher bugs, and birds gliding close beside me. It was a good workout. I kind of wished my partner in crime was beside me, but I also admired my bravery in taking on such a long journey by myself. 

I found so maybe nuanced books on astrology at an estate sale I went to with my mom yesterday! I'm currently reading one about the planet Saturn and it's relation to Satan. Super interesting stuff. There was also a book on Midhavens, Aspects, and Lunar Nodes. It turns out that my past karma is in Cancer while my future karma lies in Capricorn! I'm not entirely sure if I'm saying that right, but those are the signs of my northern and southern nodes. 

This is the year that I.....

can you finish that sentence for me?

It feels like an important one, but like I said, I'm hardly placing importance on anything.

Let's see how much of this human experience is in our control and how much is out of our hands.

Til next time, peace!