Would you like to learn how to drive someone mad?

Put a litter of mosquitos in every room of their home! Bonus features: a whistling sound that stays latent in the back of your mind, even when there aren't any mosquitos around. PSYCH! That was actually just another mosquito. 

By the way, the R button barely works on this keyboard. It feels like any little, miniscule thing that could be wrong, is just wrong. 

My "boyfriend", if I'm allowed to call him that, is going through a crisis -- a very relatable one where he isn't quite sure what to be focusing his energy on. We must be connected to some degree because I feel the same way. I have time on my hands. I just feel so alone? I mean, Ralphie was so affectionate last night, as well as Jelly. They both sense I love them so much. I need to extend that vibrational frequency to everyone around me. 

I was explaining how some 16 year olds were commenting on how my job at the tennis shop front desk is so simple, it looks like we're just looking at our phone. He thought at my age, that was pathetic. I don't disagree with him. My paychecks are so small, my bank account reached $13 the other day. I applied to a cafe in Malibu, but I never heard back... Maybe that commute would have gotten to me, full time. Or maybe it was the mindless, scenic drive I needed each day. I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for how peaceful things have been. Maybe I don't need to be making more money. There's not much being asked of me. And when I start working full time, I will be making a bit more at least. 

I like the people. There are a lot more kids than I imagined there would be, but they're cute too.

But wow, what life would be like if I was independent. I hate how people try to impose on my time to myself. I'm learning to mute people. 

These mosquitos symbolize taking too much time for myself, but also, how else am I ever going to figure things out?

I was putting my attention on guys. That's not getting me anywhere. They say you should focus on a career. I'm not willing to drive on the 405. Plus, who's to say all these people with entry level jobs are happy anyway? 

I want peace. Space. Mental clarity. 

They say you grow when you surround yourself with like minded people. I'm living with an older woman who doesn't believe in friendship, higher education, has the eyes of a child when it comes to business, and maybe we can laugh time away, but my finances are mixed in and i'm basically glued to the san fernando valley without anyone willing to take any leaps with me, as in A GUY not a fucking mother. It's just so frustrating, and I probably come off as ungrateful for even thinking. and then we wonder why everyone's so jaded. and this MOSQUITO does not quit it. I am in a living hell. That God guy never existed anyway. 

So back to my point. In what direction does this LONE individual put their energy toward? I'm good at.... basically nothing. I'm tired. Didn't get much sleep last night due to the mosquitos. I don't like most people. I kind of only like Kevin and he told me he needs space for spiritual growth. 

I just want to cry out of frustration. I'm sure i'm going about this all wrong. Maybe I should be spending my time making TikToks or practicing metal guitar. It's too hot for hiking. I think that's what's bothering me the most. And i'm starting to forget how much everyone bothers me. I can't forget that without time to myself, I don't feel at peace. 

But Sharkfin is nibbling at corn and it's kind of the cutest thing. 

Right, so I'm slowy starting to remember. Nothing has ever worked for me. I usually just focus on what to put out there. I think I'll start with some yoga. Move on to dumbbells. and read some manga outside, and I'll repeat this cycle until Kevin wants to get a house in Orange County and have a Nemi with me.

fireworks!! :D

 what up blog?! it's been a minute! 

I feel like I definitely always say that hahah, but I only blog when I get the "urge" so that's why it's always so sporacious. sporacious, is that the word? sporadic? yeah that's what I meant. 

Anyway, as usual I am a lost soul on this planet unable to choo choo chug any creative endeavor to entirety. but at least i'm like a frog hopper leaping from one idea to the next. now i'm out of ideas so i have to leap back to past ideas which means we'll finish something eventually, right? well, we'll finish it only to realize nothing really changed and the cycle must carry on. 

so where are we at nowadays?

last night, I saw THE most spectaculor fireworks display with Kevin. we usually go to warner center but we decided to do westlake village this year, juuuust to mix things up. they had an event with bright lights and live music, and while the classic rock cover bands and overall vibe seemed awesome, we decided it wasn't what we had planned for the night and walked back down the hill to the very dark golf course where only a handful of teens and couples were hanging out. we ended up standing on a divider, and WOW, when I say we had an amazing view, I am not lying in the least bit. There was NO ONE on either side of us, which is how we like it, and we were SO CLOSE that we could see the fireworks as they were launching up. as usual, i am kind of afraid of 4th of july in general... i have some latent ptsd from a fireworks on acid incident from my early 20s, but each year i've faced my fears and i'm so glad i did because the show this year was EPIC! my favorite are the fireworks that trickle down like gold glitter...

okay now what else? i'm working on a landscape painting at the moment... it's on a larger scale than what i usually do, and i've been painting with acrylic instead of oil. i usually don't like acrylic paint.. i feel like the gloss from the finished product makes paintings look cheaper than they should. but i also can't wrap my mind around how much oil paint it would take to do larger scale paintings. oil paint ain't cheap, ya know? but i've been using a glow in the dark paint for the clouds and i can't decide if it's totally awesome or borderline gimmicky, but the clouds have a pretty cool glow at night! 

next: i started making a hamster video game a few weeks back, but wow my discipline levels to finish this project are so low. i think it's because i hit so many roadblocks when it comes to coding and 3d modeling. first, there's like computers lagging or glitching, then there's just a lack of general knowledge and the journey to gathering very specific knowledge, like unchecking a certain box before things land the right way. it's a very unintuitive path and my coping mechanism for things not working is usually SNACKING and dear god, i just don't want to be sedentary and fat. 

i started off this morning by going to the gym. costco wasn't going to open for an hour, so that MADE me spend an hour at the gym (which was actually only 40 mins from my lazy ass, but still better than most of my gym visits which generally average to around 15-20 minutes). worked the elliptical, some ab stuff, and cooled down with the stairmaster and then headed to costco to pick up bulk amounts of lettuce and tomato for myself and the piggies. 

i cut my bangs ultra short last night, reciting to myself "every reform movement starts with a lunatic fringe" which is something i read on a blog years ago. i mean, i'm blogging right now, so maybe it did kickstart my reform movement! 

MANGA. i'm almost done reading sailor moon, but lowkey, i don't like it? i feel so so bad saying it, but maybe I just had too high of expectations. my favorite mangas are NANA, paradise kiss, godchild, noragami, this one i can't think of a with a lead girl that's too hornyyy, um yeah! but i need a new series to obsess over! what is my life if not compared to a shoujo lead longing for attention? 

do i want to start a youtube channel where i give tarot readings? i'd have to think about it a bit. i know the meanings of the cards but i'm not so sure. let's let this idea sit for aminute. the next idea that comes to mind is my story "astral aura" which is ultimately a manga, if i can EVER draw it, but maybe just bodies of text for now, where a young girl is swept into a neighboring city that is governed by the zodiac, tarot, and colorful bodies of energy that move and carry out spells with intention. a young boy is in search of an ancient encylopedia that carries old spells that have long been forgotten. he travels through the forest on the back of his fox who is governed by the spirit of gemini. they bump into our lead heroin and her bat who is sagitarrius and they begin to fight as she was just following the candleabra path that was forming before her, which was actually casted by this guy who was traveling to the neighboring city. eventually

our time on this planet is so fleeting, and still, it can be thought of in two ways. the first way that came to mind was of how much pressure we put on ourselves to be great. to be attractive, to excel, to succeed. the second way to look at it is, our time on this planet is so fleeting, now is the time to seize the day, make it to the top, and see what this life experience has to offer .i really wanted to meditate more on the first way (which albeit relaxing, may come off as a tad depressing) but a voice in my head literally didn't want me to focus on that but rather see it in the other way for once. there's so many groups of people doing so many amazing things. the first thing that comes to my mind is internet fame. not the 15 minutes type of fame but the online community of celebrities that are all excited about each other, and all creating content to push forward this document wheel of entertainment / knowledge. where do i stand on this wheel? what is my carbon footprint? im always somewhat lost, but maybe that's just the neutral state of things. maybe it isn't so magnficient or extravagant and maybe these realms are entered one little step at a time. 

i do have a youtube channel, hamhamuniverse. i have about 100 subscribers and 50 videos. it's not polished to the degree i like my work to be, but i'm also not well versed in video and i am a one man team, so i've gone easy on myself. but what if i directly put myself in more of a position of spotlight? that's something i've always avoided but this morning, i was watching this one youtuber's videos for so long that his energy has lingered in my mind throughout the day. ..... he kind of represents "guys that see girls as pussy, can never get girls, but actually they can because now they have internet power, but deep down they hate girls as women but they still want sex" like none of that is ever vocalized, but you can just see it in the jokes they make and they way they behave around women. and the part that bothers me the most? I can see this, yet i would still be viewed as "pussy" in that world. 

i've always had an uphill battle with gender and sexuality. feminity has felt very learned. not that i've dappled in any part of masculinity, but i would neutrality is my default, up until i found out that guys weren't into things just because i thought they were cool. that was when my skirts got a little shorter, and the color pink made a more prominent appearance in my wardrobe, but the me that really likes me? she'd probably dress more like miranda from sex and the city. she's probably have a short bob just because it's what she wanted to do that week. she'd probable wear a long sleeve button up with a bowtie because it made her feel cool. she'd probably expect a lover to see things how she saw things and also think it was cool, but that person is long gone. beat down by years of being in the mild public eye where older men made comments about "being a lady" and "liking their makeup". like it's all so subtle. and it all shouldn't matter, but it seeps into subconscious over time, and if you're like the 33 year old so called "woman" that i am, you eventually give up and you say, "okay fine. i'll be that nurturing mother you've been longing for for so fucking long" "i'll wear that 'sexy' makeup that makes you forget about wwiii for 5 minutes" "i'll strive for beauty so you won't comment on how tired you think i look" 

the real me? she wishes she had one friend. just one friend, who believed in early morning hikes, board games, and the n64. everything else that's happening? compromises. 

but whatever. no one will ever get it. so i've been meeting them halfway, and forgetting who i am along the way. which is how this blogpost started. who am i and how do i want to contribute?

but also, who cares because PENELOPE IS HAVING BABIES!!!

there's no time for anything else!

i've got to measure the hallway shelves and figure out how i'm going to build all these enclosures! they can have anywhere from 2 to 20 pups in a litter! can you imagine?! hopefully it's not 20, i literally would not be able lol 

but i've decided up to 6 is manageable. one goes to kevin and there's space in my hallway cabinets for 5 total, give or take.

alrright well, i've got to head the dmv soon but it's been nice chattin!!

ttyl!!! <3333