starry desert

 Every now and then, 

I start to feel inferior. 

I start to feel I'm not good enough. 

I start to feel I'm not producing [[at all]] enough. 

With minimal time taken to reflect on all of which has happened...

Maybe in some ways, I wonder if I'm "doing LA" wrong. 

I wonder if I'm a bad influence on people! 

I wonder if in my seclusive state, I can make any rational judgements on myself -- and if I make no judgements whatsover, if I result in a state of being lost...

Why am I being so hard on myself right now? Well, these are definitely external forces... not from within.

If I was following my voice alone, sans any insecurities whatsoever, I would know that I am actually happy! I have a beautiful room to work out in. I have a beautiful mom. I have a loving boyfriend. I have a lot to be grateful for! I guess it's just scary when someone jabs at ya. And sometimes people mean no harm, it just happens. 

Anyway, the truth is, I don't like being alone as much anymore. Maybe I like it right at this moment -- it's giving me a chance to reflect... but what I enjoy these days is being lost in the present and sometimes for some people, that isn't good enough! I have no stature in LA, what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. i'm working a minimum wage job. what am I doing with myself? that is the feeling. I guess the underlying hope is that I get married and start a family and all that jazz.... but there is fear in the unknown. I definitely prefer enjoy what is before me, but the truth is, things have changed a bit... not enough to walk away, but enough to feel its weight. sigh. 

i am a machine -- that is heard and seen by others -- and so i must produce content that entertains.

does this sentence or does this sentence not resonate with you? 

as i sit hear, listening to bach, i start to wonder - does that have to matter, at all? like even in the least bit? 

tell me... is there any beauty in tackling to create howl's costume? is there any beauty in latte art? is there any beauty in dabbling in music here and there? is there any beauty in... reminiscing in the past? in insecurities?

what is the past? what really is it? life has a way. life always has a way. i can't worry about that because divine timing is most definitely a real thing. everything is divine timing. if something wasn't happening that should be happening, something would intervene. 

are you satisfied enough? is that the goal of life? to be satisfied? 

UGH 

i just need a nap lol

bye

but no.. i want to stay awake because.... anime with kevin......... ughghghghghghghg

but i am le tired. just gonna lay down for a minute