a rant on tame Impala and romance

 Please, don't take answers from eyes.

You know that mine can't lie quite as well as yours.

-- okay, I finally figured out why I have been so obsessed with this song!! 

It's because it sets the premise for the manga I want to write. A world where all that matters is everyone's current love lives. It takes place in a 1960's art and fashion warehouse, and you "can't believe what I just found out!!" 

How could you leave me for her?? Hysterical... raccoon like eyes with long lashes 

Our love was the whole world!!!!

But maybe he didn't. She's trying to read his eyes to find the truth

And the truth ends up being that SHE was the one who was lying! mwuahahahahha

I don't know. It sounds cool for a second but maybe what I like more about it is the idea of living such a carefree lifestyle that trivial things can be blown to cosmically karmic proportions! 

The tale of boy and girl where their every subtle move is worth noting. She wore her hair down today.

He designed a new dress.

ANYWAY

The song goes on to say something like this and maybe I'm hearing it wrong but I've always read these next lyrics in the viewpoint of a god watching over that boy and that girl and trying to explain in cosmic terms how they are missing a beat (of perfection)

You will never know how hard I try

To keep from waning on and waiting at the start

They never quite get it right because they're mortals after all 

But there is a "right" way and it does go above the rest

The subtle dance between a soft jab of heartbreak and a world of loving, compassionate eyes. 

Some may call it manipulation

But I call it being alive 

Knowing when to tug and when to turn away

"Elodie, look at me, unless you're trying to hurt me"

How the direction of someone's eyes can affect another so deeply

Ugh! 

 Oh my god, who am I?

An infinite cycle. An infinite routine. I just need to wrap my mind around that for a moment because it feels like every other day I'm on the hunt for something else, and the truth is, there simply isn't. Or is there? Maybe I'm ready for a family. Maybe I'm ready to settle down. I know I enjoy having that which cannot be named around, but he has his own life and I have to respect that! Even though, nature would argue this is not such a farfetched path of change lol alright, so let's put it this way, I'm hopeful <3

Maternal womanly nonsense aside!!! Where am I?! I'm currently listening to a 10-hour loop of the Pokemon Center theme song in the background, sipping on some luke warm coffee. Ah, the present... there's nothing quite like it. I like the notion of giving importance to every little thing around me. Like how the weather has been slightly colder than usual lately, or 

oh hey my mom just got off the phone and we're in the middle of a movie!! BRB!

okay wait, false alarm. she's busy right now

S P - 4 0 4 !!!!

I finally sat down to mess with it a bit today! no clue what I was doin but it can make some sickkk soundsss hehe

I figured out a setup in which I can feed sounds from my computer into the 404 and record them directly! I didn't realize I could do that. I thought I could only upload them to the SD card, so this is a much more l i v e way of doing things! 

v a t else? work has kind of been getting to me a bit lately... with the restaurant shut down, all the food related stuff goes through the coffee shop and well, it's just a different vibe than simply working a cool coffee shop. but it's okay. this is temporary, for starters, and I just have to keep reminding myself that I have SO much to be grateful for: a 15 minute work commute, amazing coworkers, and chill week days. its' really just saturdays and sundays that kinda jab at me, but in all honesty, even that doens't get to me when i'm in a good mood. ( just need to see you know who more often haha that seems to raise my spirits like no other for whatever reason )

made a sketch the other night! kinda stoked about it!

well, I guess that's all for now.... !

oh, got some new shades 8)

there in the car so you might have to use your imagination a bit, but these glasses are new too!! aren't they cool?? 

UGH, I knowww I want to draw more... what can I do to keep up the creative energy? 

 

my mom's in idaho!

got myself a a roland sp404sx!

i'm sitting here with a slightly upset stomach

digesting the porridge i made a few hours earlier

watching ally mcbeal about a decade later than everyone else

 

i went to CD Trader yesterday with kevin 

and picked up a couple of albums that were under the "exotic lounge" category heheh

since laptops these days don't have cd drives, i was lucky to have an external cd drive lying around

booted up those bad boys -- the first album, purple penguin, it's got lots of sampling potential

the second album, a very traditional hawaiian album... there was one song i think i could use

the last album straight up didn't load... womp womp

but it's interesting

i gathered all the samples from my songs

and... i'm not so sure how i feel about the way it translates

i think i want to have more leeway room and less fully constructed music

so i'm stoked to start with a blank slate and draw samples from all kinds of places

okay i'm sleepy & i've got an early shift tomorrowwww

good night ya'll <3

oh also, a very cool band asked me to play with them..... is that something i should do?! i wonder..... 

okay til next time!!

 

 Well, what can we say? These are magical times. I got the amp of my dreams and then some. My goal at this point has been to decorate my studio in such a way that it becomes the coziest, most creatively encouraging (wo)man cave, and I'd say we're getting crazy close, if not already there. 

I was playing Passenger cover songs for my mom last night, and then Kevin came over and I had a beautiful pleasure of showing him Bright Eyes for the first time. I think he might have the most loving eyes I've seen in the world -- I was definitely singing along to "A Perfect Sonnet" with great passion, but in the past, I had been met with rejection and disapproval for my tastes so a wild insecurity had brewed within me over the years. Am I finally surrounded with people who could understand? That would be insanely amazing.

Okay, do we talk about this Vox amp yet? ahaha. It's kind of everything and then some. I took a chance and found a drum and looper pedal on Amazon with no reviews whatsoever, but it had a great price point and I'm in need of a pseudo musician to play with in these trying times (who am I kidding, I'd want to explore jamming along myself in any kind of times lol).

Words. Words are a beautiful thing! Words are something that I've stayed away from for a long time. I grew up with a single parent who while she is literally the most amazing and intelligent person I know, her first language was not English and even though I went to school in Los Angeles, I had always felt subtly crippled in this way. It could just be an arbitrary insecurity as well, but whatever the case, I never felt I had what it takes to use words in a poetic way. Poetry. What kind of message do you make? Are you a sad poet? Do you kick yourself down when you're low? To see the depths of pain and sorrow? I'd like to take a moment to examine the song, A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes. "I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE TIED TOGETHER, THROWN INTO THE OCEAN IN THE WORST OF WEATHER. LEFT THERE TO DROWN LEFT THERE TO DROWN IN THEIR INNOCENCE" which is eventually followed up with "I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE CHAINED TOGETHER THROWN INTO A FIRE WITH THEIR SONGS AND LETTERS LEFT THERE TO BURN LEFT THERE TO BURN IN THEIR ARROGANCE"

and lastly met with (in a softer voice)

"Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers. Laid entwined together in a bed of clover. Left there to dream left there to dream in their happiness"

Alright this ones a roller coaster, and I don't know about you, but a relatable one at that. It's like, your whole life you hear about this love thing and you're finally like, ugh what is all the fuss about? Is it my turn yet? Alright let's give this a go. If I go in with all that I've got, there's no way it'll turn out bad like some of these other stories I've heard about. And so you go in, full force and maybe I'm being presumptuous but I'd say you'd deserve to burn in your arrogance at this point hehe. Though I do hope that's not the case, and so does Oberst except he already mentions early on its somewhat doomed by saying they deserve to drown in their innocence. At the end, it feels as if he knows it's hopeless but he remembers the moments where he felt the bliss and highs of what he thought could be and decided to give homage to those moments, to create a shrine for those moments no matter how fleeting they may be. As an influential sixteen year older who definitely doesn't know any better yet, the passion in this song hit me in a way that I just wanted to believe every word as strongly as he sang it. I never took the time to read into the lyrics... maybe I quoted a blip here and there on my livejournal or MySpace or whatever was the medium at the time, but it was a reflection of that passion which took me in, not any kind of acceptance of failed love for I had not known it yet (though that phase was short lived. I've always had the grandiose pleasures of being met with heartaches early on hehe) (I'm sure you have too...) (it's so easy to feel like you're the only one and I'm only going to let myself bathe in those thoughts just enough to feel the water and then hop out) (maybe that's insight enough to the voice of my upcoming poetry... I can adore bright eyes for singeing his words with such expressive depth, but perhaps when the time comes for me to write my own, I'd singe and then breathe)..

 I think every once and a while I get this fear

This fear that I'm missing out

This fear that I'm not living my life the way I'm "supposed" to be (whatever that means..)

A lot of times this fear gets attributed to not feeling famous, or beautiful, or trendy, or fit enough and the list could go on and on (smart enough, kind enough, experiencing enough, whatever the fuck it is)

Anyway, here's a toast to this present moment right here! The one where something may or may not be happening! As for me, I am sitting in a bath of water, silently typing a blog post on my iPhone feeling anxiety about mistakenly filling the tub with too much water, accidentally dropping my phone, or simply running out of battery as I am at 4%.

Anyway, gonna enjoy this water now

Peace!

 I kind of want to be the best I can be. 

In those moments where I am certain I've found the most convenient way to do something, I want to fight that notion. Or do I? This idea is stemming from an insecurity... maybe we've found our way, and everything is so divine, or actually, I can say that sentence with some certainty. I am so happy with the patterns that currently are. I fear I am bragging, but this is my private blog, well, my public blog that a handful few have the link to, so please know I am speaking my mind, not bragging. I am happy in life right now (and I wish to the bottom of my core that everyone else feels the same..) . . . . 

What is this album? It's pretty good

I dig it hehe

Anyway, just finished working out and now I've got to go get ready for work !! <3

ps: ur dream life says u need to work harder. got it?!

Okay wait

What if I designed very elegant bird houses with chandeliers and French doors and beautiful bird paintings (kinda like this one!) and then installed a live feed camera! It'd be so cute!!

 

 

there is a pressure that comes and goes

it's simultaneously unexplainable, never talked about, yet also everything 

but at least I can be grateful

for how certain love is in my life 

I know without a doubt that we exist as one soul. that no human can truly be happy until the people surrounding them are at their level. and at our core, we are all still the pure little children with the biggest hearts. ❤️