omg I just had a cookie so good I have to blog about it lol

It was a Strawberry Shortcake cookie from a placed called Creole Kings in the Thousand Oaks mall. Between the perfect chewy texture, sweet strawberry taste, cream cheese frosting, and jumbo white chocolate chips, I ate the whole thing before my lunch was ready. O-O; 

Anyway, I was annoyingly emotional on my walk from the parking lot to the mall and this cookie snapped me right out of it hahah. thoughts before: I'd be an excellent mother. Why wouldn't any man want to start a family with me? they're so dumb

Thoughts after: cookies > men

 Where are we right now? Well, I asked who I thought was my boyfriend of five years that if "shit got real" if he'd be there for me and he made me sound like a pity case. You know when people are excited to start a future together? Yeah, the best I got was, "oh okay, well if I have an apartment... and... you needed a place to stay.. uhh... yeah sure I'd help you out".

What was my karma to attract this relationship? sigh. And how was I so blind for so long? Is being alone really that awful? I don't think it is. I've been alone so much in this relationship anyway, so the muscle is totally ready to handle that. 

I used to play Tame Impala on repeat. "in all of the universe there is nobody for me"

I still feel that way. When you first meet someone, they can be anybody and your mind fills in the gaps with all these hopeful thoughts of how you don't know the concrete answers of how they feel about anything, so obviously, of course they would be as positive about the world as you are. Well, five years is long enough to know the answers to those questions and the veil of the unknown is lifted and all that remains is the dark truth: you let someone have access to your body, repetitively, for the sake of "fun" that you believed would lead to something bigger. Well, it never did. So, lesson learned. I'm sure it doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things but man, our bodies are so sacred and I just always knew sex was so dumb. I knew it to the core of my soul but you don't want to be weird, and you go with the flow and you know who gets the wrong end of the deal? women. maybe. I don't know. why am I talk on account of all woman? But I will say this, I got the bad end of the deal and I'm writing this out to see it head on. 

Maybe if I would have had an older sister or an older brother or a nuclear family role model I wouldn't fall into traps that I didn't know about. I'm not trying to say I didn't partake but I will say I was hopeful every step of the way that this was just the path to the perfect life and well, I'm ripping the bandaid off. 

And wow. I really pushed *everyone* away. I don't know who there was but if you were there, I'm sure I pushed you away. 

Now on to my next thought. What matters in a relationship? What matters, truly? Looks fade. Mine are already on the way out and I spent way too long focusing on what the other person looks like. 

Everyone's on their own journey. I'm sure this happened the way it did because I picked someone based on a first impression, based on their looks. 

I deleted social media. I switched to a dumb phone. I kind of did all these things because I was placing security in my false relationship. 

I'm so dumb. And maybe irreversibly dumb lol.

Whatever. At least I'm free now. What happens next lands in destiny's hands. I'm not rushing into anything. 

 Would you like to learn how to drive someone mad?

Put a litter of mosquitos in every room of their home! Bonus features: a whistling sound that stays latent in the back of your mind, even when there aren't any mosquitos around. PSYCH! That was actually just another mosquito. 

By the way, the R button barely works on this keyboard. It feels like any little, miniscule thing that could be wrong, is just wrong. 

My "boyfriend", if I'm allowed to call him that, is going through a crisis -- a very relatable one where he isn't quite sure what to be focusing his energy on. We must be connected to some degree because I feel the same way. I have time on my hands. I just feel so alone? I mean, Ralphie was so affectionate last night, as well as Jelly. They both sense I love them so much. I need to extend that vibrational frequency to everyone around me. 

I was explaining how some 16 year olds were commenting on how my job at the tennis shop front desk is so simple, it looks like we're just looking at our phone. He thought at my age, that was pathetic. I don't disagree with him. My paychecks are so small, my bank account reached $13 the other day. I applied to a cafe in Malibu, but I never heard back... Maybe that commute would have gotten to me, full time. Or maybe it was the mindless, scenic drive I needed each day. I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for how peaceful things have been. Maybe I don't need to be making more money. There's not much being asked of me. And when I start working full time, I will be making a bit more at least. 

I like the people. There are a lot more kids than I imagined there would be, but they're cute too.

But wow, what life would be like if I was independent. I hate how people try to impose on my time to myself. I'm learning to mute people. 

These mosquitos symbolize taking too much time for myself, but also, how else am I ever going to figure things out?

I was putting my attention on guys. That's not getting me anywhere. They say you should focus on a career. I'm not willing to drive on the 405. Plus, who's to say all these people with entry level jobs are happy anyway? 

I want peace. Space. Mental clarity. 

They say you grow when you surround yourself with like minded people. I'm living with an older woman who doesn't believe in friendship, higher education, has the eyes of a child when it comes to business, and maybe we can laugh time away, but my finances are mixed in and i'm basically glued to the san fernando valley without anyone willing to take any leaps with me, as in A GUY not a fucking mother. It's just so frustrating, and I probably come off as ungrateful for even thinking. and then we wonder why everyone's so jaded. and this MOSQUITO does not quit it. I am in a living hell. That God guy never existed anyway. 

So back to my point. In what direction does this LONE individual put their energy toward? I'm good at.... basically nothing. I'm tired. Didn't get much sleep last night due to the mosquitos. I don't like most people. I kind of only like Kevin and he told me he needs space for spiritual growth. 

I just want to cry out of frustration. I'm sure i'm going about this all wrong. Maybe I should be spending my time making TikToks or practicing metal guitar. It's too hot for hiking. I think that's what's bothering me the most. And i'm starting to forget how much everyone bothers me. I can't forget that without time to myself, I don't feel at peace. 

But Sharkfin is nibbling at corn and it's kind of the cutest thing. 

Right, so I'm slowy starting to remember. Nothing has ever worked for me. I usually just focus on what to put out there. I think I'll start with some yoga. Move on to dumbbells. and read some manga outside, and I'll repeat this cycle until Kevin wants to get a house in Orange County and have a Nemi with me.

fireworks!! :D

 what up blog?! it's been a minute! 

I feel like I definitely always say that hahah, but I only blog when I get the "urge" so that's why it's always so sporacious. sporacious, is that the word? sporadic? yeah that's what I meant. 

Anyway, as usual I am a lost soul on this planet unable to choo choo chug any creative endeavor to entirety. but at least i'm like a frog hopper leaping from one idea to the next. now i'm out of ideas so i have to leap back to past ideas which means we'll finish something eventually, right? well, we'll finish it only to realize nothing really changed and the cycle must carry on. 

so where are we at nowadays?

last night, I saw THE most spectaculor fireworks display with Kevin. we usually go to warner center but we decided to do westlake village this year, juuuust to mix things up. they had an event with bright lights and live music, and while the classic rock cover bands and overall vibe seemed awesome, we decided it wasn't what we had planned for the night and walked back down the hill to the very dark golf course where only a handful of teens and couples were hanging out. we ended up standing on a divider, and WOW, when I say we had an amazing view, I am not lying in the least bit. There was NO ONE on either side of us, which is how we like it, and we were SO CLOSE that we could see the fireworks as they were launching up. as usual, i am kind of afraid of 4th of july in general... i have some latent ptsd from a fireworks on acid incident from my early 20s, but each year i've faced my fears and i'm so glad i did because the show this year was EPIC! my favorite are the fireworks that trickle down like gold glitter...

okay now what else? i'm working on a landscape painting at the moment... it's on a larger scale than what i usually do, and i've been painting with acrylic instead of oil. i usually don't like acrylic paint.. i feel like the gloss from the finished product makes paintings look cheaper than they should. but i also can't wrap my mind around how much oil paint it would take to do larger scale paintings. oil paint ain't cheap, ya know? but i've been using a glow in the dark paint for the clouds and i can't decide if it's totally awesome or borderline gimmicky, but the clouds have a pretty cool glow at night! 

next: i started making a hamster video game a few weeks back, but wow my discipline levels to finish this project are so low. i think it's because i hit so many roadblocks when it comes to coding and 3d modeling. first, there's like computers lagging or glitching, then there's just a lack of general knowledge and the journey to gathering very specific knowledge, like unchecking a certain box before things land the right way. it's a very unintuitive path and my coping mechanism for things not working is usually SNACKING and dear god, i just don't want to be sedentary and fat. 

i started off this morning by going to the gym. costco wasn't going to open for an hour, so that MADE me spend an hour at the gym (which was actually only 40 mins from my lazy ass, but still better than most of my gym visits which generally average to around 15-20 minutes). worked the elliptical, some ab stuff, and cooled down with the stairmaster and then headed to costco to pick up bulk amounts of lettuce and tomato for myself and the piggies. 

i cut my bangs ultra short last night, reciting to myself "every reform movement starts with a lunatic fringe" which is something i read on a blog years ago. i mean, i'm blogging right now, so maybe it did kickstart my reform movement! 

MANGA. i'm almost done reading sailor moon, but lowkey, i don't like it? i feel so so bad saying it, but maybe I just had too high of expectations. my favorite mangas are NANA, paradise kiss, godchild, noragami, this one i can't think of a with a lead girl that's too hornyyy, um yeah! but i need a new series to obsess over! what is my life if not compared to a shoujo lead longing for attention? 

do i want to start a youtube channel where i give tarot readings? i'd have to think about it a bit. i know the meanings of the cards but i'm not so sure. let's let this idea sit for aminute. the next idea that comes to mind is my story "astral aura" which is ultimately a manga, if i can EVER draw it, but maybe just bodies of text for now, where a young girl is swept into a neighboring city that is governed by the zodiac, tarot, and colorful bodies of energy that move and carry out spells with intention. a young boy is in search of an ancient encylopedia that carries old spells that have long been forgotten. he travels through the forest on the back of his fox who is governed by the spirit of gemini. they bump into our lead heroin and her bat who is sagitarrius and they begin to fight as she was just following the candleabra path that was forming before her, which was actually casted by this guy who was traveling to the neighboring city. eventually

our time on this planet is so fleeting, and still, it can be thought of in two ways. the first way that came to mind was of how much pressure we put on ourselves to be great. to be attractive, to excel, to succeed. the second way to look at it is, our time on this planet is so fleeting, now is the time to seize the day, make it to the top, and see what this life experience has to offer .i really wanted to meditate more on the first way (which albeit relaxing, may come off as a tad depressing) but a voice in my head literally didn't want me to focus on that but rather see it in the other way for once. there's so many groups of people doing so many amazing things. the first thing that comes to my mind is internet fame. not the 15 minutes type of fame but the online community of celebrities that are all excited about each other, and all creating content to push forward this document wheel of entertainment / knowledge. where do i stand on this wheel? what is my carbon footprint? im always somewhat lost, but maybe that's just the neutral state of things. maybe it isn't so magnficient or extravagant and maybe these realms are entered one little step at a time. 

i do have a youtube channel, hamhamuniverse. i have about 100 subscribers and 50 videos. it's not polished to the degree i like my work to be, but i'm also not well versed in video and i am a one man team, so i've gone easy on myself. but what if i directly put myself in more of a position of spotlight? that's something i've always avoided but this morning, i was watching this one youtuber's videos for so long that his energy has lingered in my mind throughout the day. ..... he kind of represents "guys that see girls as pussy, can never get girls, but actually they can because now they have internet power, but deep down they hate girls as women but they still want sex" like none of that is ever vocalized, but you can just see it in the jokes they make and they way they behave around women. and the part that bothers me the most? I can see this, yet i would still be viewed as "pussy" in that world. 

i've always had an uphill battle with gender and sexuality. feminity has felt very learned. not that i've dappled in any part of masculinity, but i would neutrality is my default, up until i found out that guys weren't into things just because i thought they were cool. that was when my skirts got a little shorter, and the color pink made a more prominent appearance in my wardrobe, but the me that really likes me? she'd probably dress more like miranda from sex and the city. she's probably have a short bob just because it's what she wanted to do that week. she'd probable wear a long sleeve button up with a bowtie because it made her feel cool. she'd probably expect a lover to see things how she saw things and also think it was cool, but that person is long gone. beat down by years of being in the mild public eye where older men made comments about "being a lady" and "liking their makeup". like it's all so subtle. and it all shouldn't matter, but it seeps into subconscious over time, and if you're like the 33 year old so called "woman" that i am, you eventually give up and you say, "okay fine. i'll be that nurturing mother you've been longing for for so fucking long" "i'll wear that 'sexy' makeup that makes you forget about wwiii for 5 minutes" "i'll strive for beauty so you won't comment on how tired you think i look" 

the real me? she wishes she had one friend. just one friend, who believed in early morning hikes, board games, and the n64. everything else that's happening? compromises. 

but whatever. no one will ever get it. so i've been meeting them halfway, and forgetting who i am along the way. which is how this blogpost started. who am i and how do i want to contribute?

but also, who cares because PENELOPE IS HAVING BABIES!!!

there's no time for anything else!

i've got to measure the hallway shelves and figure out how i'm going to build all these enclosures! they can have anywhere from 2 to 20 pups in a litter! can you imagine?! hopefully it's not 20, i literally would not be able lol 

but i've decided up to 6 is manageable. one goes to kevin and there's space in my hallway cabinets for 5 total, give or take.

alrright well, i've got to head the dmv soon but it's been nice chattin!!

ttyl!!! <3333

twenty twenty four is 15 minutes away

 I just woke up from a nap,

and my dreams are telling me

we're all connected 

but like, in some American way 

I can't fully explain it

don't understand it

but I get the feeling that

well, 

maybe we're all cyborgs and

when you watch a good movie 

and the actors on the screen 

make you feel a certain way,

that comes with you in your

waking life! 

I'm trying to decide if it's like a

natural human soul connection 

or if it's like a linking android connection

I'll get back to you on that

hopefully by next year lol

maybe I'll be a lizard person by then

and have the inside scoop hehe

anyway! goals for 2024?!

staring in the mirror just now

after gurgling salt water and

poking my ears and nostrils

with sinus blaster,

I kept telling myself

let's be something more than a ho

this year

I'm not a ho, but I think what my

harsh internal monologue was trying 

to get at was that I've placed a lot of

weight on my romantic relationship 

(or glorified booty call?)

depends on which lense you're looking at it

but anyway, 

point is: I've lost sight of my dreams a bit!

mostly because I feel so alone when I'm doing them

and as an only child, I always liked doing 

things on my own. 

I remember my cousin wanting to build something with Legos with me one day, and I refused. I have always wanted to do it myself

kevin just got a new synth! 

after our steamy new years eve 3 week waited hookup, (which I'm sure everyone hates me for because I had been crying and moping that whole time stating this time things were over for real)

he told me we should start an electronic duo band together. man, what a dream that would be! and then people would come to our shows, and my fear of being alone forever would finally start to disappate! I think.

anyway, we're not exclusive according to him, so the window for my life to be pulled in some other way is still there. according to my recent tarot, I need to just surrender more, but to be honest, I'm so sad by the idea that the purity of what Kevin and I have had these past few years will (wait what am I on about? we totally hooked up with other people early on in our relationship) ah whatever

come what may! just make sure I'm not lying to myself and draggin in "nice guys" cuz that's just dull 

don't be a hooooo lol

I can hear fireworks off in the distance 

we're 4 minutes away 

well, I'm not at some wild party about to kiss a stranger, but I think I had my own kind of magic tonight 

2024, the year of.. vlogging?

 So, I was watching one of my favorite youtubers and I began to wonder.... how does she set up all these camera angles of herself and at such early hours in the morning? it must be something fairly easy because she was able to film herself with only like 15 minutes sometimes before she had to head off for whatever else she was doing next in her day. and then I saw it. her phone was in a shot and I noticed something peculiar on the back of it. where as most people had popsockets or stick on wallets, she had a sticker with many little suction cups, and it was in that moment that I understood! she could stick her phone to literally any kind of glass or metal surface! I haven't tried it out yet, but I think this means I can vlog in my car by sticking my phone to the touchscreen display? it's either that or the rear view mirror and that doesn't seem as legal lol. (this vlogger's name is Cora btw)

which brings me to my next thought: who the heck am I to have so many interesting things to say everyday? and I think that approach is outdated and I have two hot takes on it. one, is viewing the camera as your best friend. someone that is everyone that you simply bring along with you so that neither party feels alone. and in a sense, it's true because there are literal viewers on the other end of the camera if you end up being successful.  

the other take is actually inspired by an emma chamberlain video. one day she posted a video that was different from her usual style. instead of talking to the camera casually, she filmed her life in a series of aesthetic shots which she then pieced together cinematically with the most fitting instrumental music. it felt like her life was a casual Wes Anderson film and somehow she made it look effortless and achievable. it probably takes years of being a vlogger to pull something like that off, but now I know this style of vlogging is out there so maybe I'll find ways to allude to it. (in time lol).

and maybe there will be days where I have things to say! I just don't want to force that aspect of things especially when I'm not much of a big thinker in my free time anyway. actually, these days I'm more of a lounger but that's not going to translate very well so I'll have to turn to sewing, and taking care of my pets to create content. but I'd also like to film more casual daily parts of my life, like commuting to work and opening shifts. I think it would be fun to document that journey! 

"get ready with me as I work the opening shift as a barista at a coffee shop" ! something like that. 

where can I sticky my phone to capture what my car sees? hmm.. not sure but I'm hoping it'll just come to me. 

and then maybe another video of how I like spending my days off. like hiking at rocky peak, and thrifting in simi! 

and then after that I have no idea. but let's start here for now haha

wish me luck!! <3

ps here are some things I'm waiting in the mail for... 

Okay so! I ordered a new guinea pig enclosure. It's by Kavee Cages. I was having a hard time deciding between a DIY cage and one of these. Honestly, I was leaning towards a DIY cage but the fear of throwing lots of money into a project without a certain outcome is what ultimately led me to just ordering one of these cages instead. What's cool about this enclosure is that it has transparent panels in the front, so I can film my piggies without bars covering their faces now. 

The photo on top is a new view I found on a hike I had always gone on. I decided to walk further than I had before for the first time today and I'm so glad I did because I got to sunbathe with a new view of the city. 

I also wore my step counter watch today and I am at 9k steps currently! Half of those were uphill too so I feel like that should give me some kind of bonus. 

That next photo is of a male guinea pig I saw at the Porter Ranch Petco. Oh my God he is so cute. Between his long flowing hair, and skunk like appearance, I wish so badly I could house him with my girls. I just can't imagine forcing an animal to go through a surgery to remove their organs. I know it's like "normal" but it just seems messed up to me. I hope he finds a good home. <3

I had a dream last night that I was at someone's house on some sort of vacation trip. I ended up leading the way to a hike that ran along a flowing stream of water. It was such a beautiful nature scene, (like literally beyond perfect in a way that only a dream would know how to evoke). Anyway, once I was on the trail, I found out the name of the hike was "Eventually" by Tame Impala! lol. It then turned into some nature music festival and I had never been so ecstatic! Somehow the group of people I was with said we had to turn back. I remember being so bummed we didn't go through with the hike, and there was a very fit Hawaiian man who said we had to all go eat now, and he was complaining about how if we didn't, he would have enough protein for his muscles, and I told him we had to go hike because if we didn't, I'd get pudgy! 

Anyway, I woke up from the dream feeling like I should never "want" anything and that it's best to "go with the flow". 

The theme of right now is purging. I have just too much stuff in my room and it's stunting me from being creative. I want to sew a simple dress with a beaded seahorse on it. I also should paint these black nails at some point. 

ok brb gonna grow some wheatgrass in pots if I can muster the energy hehe

 

toxic tendencies?

time to check in with myself once again.

starry desert as an online couture brand? 

or maybe just as photos on this blog so the pressures a little released haha 

obviously I'm a guinea pig and hamster owner. I'm not planning on making videos every week though. the energy of doing important cleaning for the camera doesn't always feel right, and I end up not doing things as thoroughly as I would off camera. plus it's starting to get repetitive so.... hamhamuniverse needs some brainstorming but I'm sure it will unfold organically in due time. 

just like my dancing tiktok. the videos seem to be made at their own pace lol

1970'S FANTASY ART - okay this is a new thing I like. alongside vintage manga horror art. I don't know what I plan on doing with this yet but ideally before I die, I'll become a manga artist lol. maybe inktober will be a good time to explore this. 

music's taken a back seat to sewing. 

and hikes are on hold until the giant crowds of snakes stop rattling at me. this happened twice already, not even kidding.

period cramps. hurting. ttys

omg omg omg omg

 I haven't made a blog post in... SO LONG!

where am I right now? who am I these days? What kinds of things make me happy??

so much to think about it haha

I'm noticing a pattern with myself....

I seem to wake up each morning with a different dream life. Is that bad?

I told myself I'd dedicate sooo much time to making horror manga. I still definitely want to do that, but today I'd rather make music later. is that so bad? I think not, but I do worry I'll never be known for anything because i've dipped my toes in every body of water and never swam in any one thing. 

like, when people ask you, what do you do?

hmm... well, I like to paint.. sometimes.

I like to write music, sometimes.

I like to sew, sometimes.

I like to make youtube videos, sometimes.

I like to make tiktok videos, sometimes. 

I made a new rule with myself, I'm not allowed to feed into my angst or anxiety if my step counter watch hasn't reached 6500. lol

Anyway, I think with small steps, everything will bloom in due time. I'm not going to worry.

I found so much new music today! And I went on a hike in a pine forest. I'm gooood. hehe

got some new work pants too. but noticed a hole in my boots. hm... 

so much cleaning to do...... gonna get to it, eventually haha toodles!!

ps, don't forget your demonic dream and the doll that appeared afterwards, AHHH!!!

these days

 

Remember to be here now.
In the past, I always liked keeping a blog because it was the one place where I could truly be honest with myself and understand how I was feeling about the things that were going on on my life.
These days, I feel a bit more fluid. I try not to give too much importance to anyone or anything. Things come, things go. I basically just try to focus on being outdoors in nature, staying in shape, and finding productive ways to pass the time. I know I should be productive today... but a part of me wants to read my book outside if it isn't too cold. Another part of me wants to sit at the computer and do a lot of nothing on the internet while slowly creating a mock up of my next painting. Another part of me wants to take a nice, hot bath but fears I will lose energy once I get out. Another part of me wants to clean the small bits and pieces in my room so I can have a clearer mind. And lastly, another part of me wants to learn a new shuffle dance.
But which part do we listen to?

I went on an hour long hike / walk today. There were fuzzy caterpillars, pincher bugs, and birds gliding close beside me. It was a good workout. I kind of wished my partner in crime was beside me, but I also admired my bravery in taking on such a long journey by myself. 

I found so maybe nuanced books on astrology at an estate sale I went to with my mom yesterday! I'm currently reading one about the planet Saturn and it's relation to Satan. Super interesting stuff. There was also a book on Midhavens, Aspects, and Lunar Nodes. It turns out that my past karma is in Cancer while my future karma lies in Capricorn! I'm not entirely sure if I'm saying that right, but those are the signs of my northern and southern nodes. 

This is the year that I.....

can you finish that sentence for me?

It feels like an important one, but like I said, I'm hardly placing importance on anything.

Let's see how much of this human experience is in our control and how much is out of our hands.

Til next time, peace!

 

 today was such a beautiful day.

I'm so insanely lucky and blessed to have such a cool hike right around the corner from where I live. 

I made it all the way to this one rock I got to last time I was there with Kevin. 

the past few times I was too scared to pass this one shady area. something about an elongated path with so much moisture makes me feel like there might be some strange animal lurking around the corner, but I put my brave shoes on and trekked to the destination. and boy, was it worth it! so much serenity. 

I got a new guinea pig last night. we're naming her Ellie! she didn't move at all all night and I was snuggling her for a good portion of the night as well. but I finally got her on my lap and after waiting sooooo long, she had some lettuce.

I wonder who she is and what she will bring to our table.

Kevin got a truck!! it has 4wd so we can go to the desert and the snow with peace of mind! we need to get mountain bikes now

ok that's all for now. bye!!!