starry desert

 

Eesh, I haven't been in the mood to blog as of recent! 

Maybe the saying is right: too much of a good thing. I guess blogging was a cathartic way for me to feel like I had my own little space in a world that wanted to pull me in so many directions. But now, I've successfully managed to push myself away from anything anyone could ever have to offer. For better or for worse. 

My current problems? Not having someone to play tennis with on the daily. Having to wear a mask again at work -ugh! I kind of blew up at my manager about it and lowkey feel pretty bad. hope he's forgotten ^^;  I'm waiting for some veerrrryyy breathable masks to come in the mail by Friday. Personally, I don't even want people to see my face -- I just want to be able to breathe life's fresh air, so hopefully this is the answer.

tennnissss.... you know when you whine about something SO much that when it finally arrives, you're like, THIS is what I was whining about? I think I'm subtly ignoring *cough*kevin*cough* and I'm trying to decide if it's tennis that I like, or if it's tennis with him that I like, and I'll be so sad if it's the latter because he's not really a stable partner in the sense that he can go for so long without checking up on me to see how I'm doing. I guess the same could be said for me, but every time I try, I get a brief "i'm busy" style answer and I'm just not vibing with that. I just want to know how I can reset my mind and my mind's view on my current environment which I've come to know oh so well. I feel like I know LA like the back of my hand, and all I want is to be able to see it again with rosy eyes. Meditation? is that the answer? when I first started at my barista gig, not only was the idea of being a barista so insanely magical, but literally everyone around me was covered in a layer of star dust. everyone who walked in to the coffee shop was someone special that i instantly thought was too good to ever be a part of the life of someone like me. but now there's so much external pressure to 'keep lines moving' or whatever. i don't want to accidentally flirt with someone who's married with ten kids, and I don't want to send unwanted signals. things were magical in that moment because.... I had bumped into who I thought was the prettiest person in the entire universe and he asked for my number. that's a big deal! sure, numbers get asked for on the daily, BUT I NEVER LIKE ANYONE!! i'd rather hold on to my lonely sad fantasy of what romance should like than to be in an ordinary relationship. ugh..... starry eyes wander my way again plzzzz

alright so maybe i've lost track. maybe everything will come back into alignment if I become an artist again instead of a lazy phone scrolling internet shopper. but am I allowed to prioritize my body and fitness above art? did i sign a contract with the devil of los angeles to become a perpetual artist?? i almost have a six pack for the first time in my entire life. I ATE LIKE A PIG YESTERDAY, AND MY STOMACH WAS STILL FLAT. WHAT UNIVERSE AM I IN RIGHT NOW lol I mean, there's still more work to be done, but my 60 situps a day seems to be working. 

also, what in the world am i doing n e x t? 

i have z e r o plans for the future. should i be worried about this? 

grad school sounds enticing. but only for a second. then it sounds like a gimmick. but what is anyone doing with their lives? silly me thinking i'd have a husband and a white picket fence by now. let's just throw any of those notions OUT the WINDOW OKAY? lol i don't know if that life was ever meant for me anyway, but then, what is?