i'm having a lot of feelings right now. tomorrow marks the beginning of a new year. as each year passes, i find out more and more about myself -- but i have a fear, a fear that i'll know all that i can about myself and i won't know what to do next and i'll fall into a deep depression because i'll have experienced all that there ever was -- okay okay okay, let's move on from that haha

so, right now i kind of feel as if there is not much that will change by next year. i feel oddly confident that both my living situation and work situation (and maybe even love situation!) will remain entirely the same. a part of me hopes i'm right. i actually feel like i reached the pinnacle of what i can gather for myself in life (interesting choice of words there, huh?) i have this vague feeling that there is some other world - a world where i am a spirit, not a body, and i travel nomadically through the generosity of all the world has to offer. maybe i am getting flashbacks of going on tour, and traveling across europe. i met many generous people along the way. maybe since i am so stationed at this point in my life, it is my time to be the generosity. 

okay, biggest question of 2021 -- WILL I FINISH THE ALBUM?

i posted a picture of myself on instagram earlier today, and not one, but TWO of my friends said it looked like album art. ughghghghgh STOP eating NUTELLA and PICK up YOUR fucking GUITAR!!!!! lol

i had a vision of cupid, with big wild eyes biting into a freshly caught heart. even saying the words now, my soul swoons a bit. i sketched it out, but i want to paint it with greater detail. 

also, saw the sunset while going on a walk today. that was epic af.

g2g ((codename designer puppy is coming over soon)) hehe

as for resolutions: keep working out! 

write music again!

keep painting!

emanate love.

the end

 "ours is the best !!!!" - me 2 kevin hehehe

 today was so cute! i randomly ended up going over my aunt in law's house for a walk, which turned into dinner, more family, and a drive through candy cane lane! i also ended up bonding with my cousin (not by blood i don't think!) and she's really cool! so that was awesome :)

tomorrow is christmas day. this year is almost nearing an end. there's a lot to reflect on! what are things i liked about this year, what are things i didn't. it's hard to answer that right now, i might just be sleepy haha. 

i miss some people though.. that much is true. but i also have lots of amazing friends! i got a couple of christmas cardsss and messagesss and tomorrow i plan on sending everyone i care about a lovely G I F. lol 

ur going to see the everydayness of my life

 because this post is basically the last post

lol

on my way to work AHHHH heheh

what can we say? it's been a long and windy road

here for the long haul tho

alright that's enough vague nonsense for one day haha

 

oh no, it's like some other place and tii~ii~ii~me

 The moon is in Pisces and it's amazing how everything can feel so right. 

A moment ago, all the emotions were running through me. I knew something, on a spiritual level was wrong, but I couldn't put it in words as it was most definitely in my blindspot. 

I just woke up from a dream minutes ago and it was a guided dream filled with messages and clarity.

Firstly, I will never have anything more than this present moment, and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes the present moment is cloudy and heavy and almost hopeless seeming (it really was earlier today!) and then there are moments like now where everything feels at peace, and I am honestly so glad. 

I am seated here, criss cross apple sauce, reminiscing on the characters that played a role in my temporary slumber -- in the nap I took to escape my emotions which were almost starting to manifest as a cold on the physical plane! It was a healthy reminder to listen to my body (which is connected to my soul) which knows more than I could ever consciously imagine.

Unfortunately, I had been wanting to see someone in my dreams for a while now, and I am so saddened by how he made his appearance. A one track minded degenerate who was getting a cheap high from sexual thrills. I could only cover it up for so long and now, it really must be put to rest as it does not speak to my soul. I've got a couple more dynamic layers within me, and it would be serving myself an injustice to carry on the way it has been -- and since I feel powerless in the situation, the only answer I can imagine is some space (as hard as that is for me to accept -- our souls are connected).

I just want the well balanced feeling, and toxic cycles are like windowless, grey rooms that block out any possible light from the universe.

Or am I being dramatic? Weighing too heavily into spirit ? There were good times as well -- and plenty of them. The overall theme is just off, that's all, but this dream gave the message that the theme wasn't going to change - and I can't just ignore messages that are gifted to me. Listen, they say when one door closes, it makes room for another to open so I'm not going to slam any doors, but a gentle closing of this chapter is in order for my health and well-being.

Alright, that is all for now. <3

gonna get back to sipping on my apple cider vinegar tea

also, one of my latest songs is stuck in my head ( it kind of reminds me of a Tool song.. every now and then, I write slow songs like that...)

I wanted to export what I have of it so far 

but it's in the other room

 I have to finish this album! Don't let me slack off indefinitely!!

 

It's almost right, just not quite.

Maybe you see me the way you do because you're even sadder than I am... 

one can only

Hope 

 

 i just had a dream about a 

SWEATER

of someone EATING

AT A DINER!

POV

ya cant make this stuff up folks

i want this sweater!!!!! lol

okay update:

just found a website that lets you design custom knit sweaters

https://www.wildemasche.com/en/Fine-sweater-gallery/#designer

the only thing is... i think it was a traditional grey like warm sweater (not knit... more like a sweatSHIRT)! 

with embroidery on it of

someones hands holding

a fork and knife up

ready for their eggs & hash

the collar was multicolored stripes of a bold purple and green pattern

hmm...

one day we will all be dead

 it's not the kind of thing i think about -- ever

actually, i fear its manifestation by even giving it the thought

i think life extends to where you let it

so i live rather fearlessly -- and i'm happy living that way

but every now and then

someone says that phrase

' one day we will all be dead '

how can you be so sure of anything at all? 

as far as i know -- all there is in this universe at this moment for me typing this are my fingers, the sensation of buttons touching my finger tips, this DIIV song blaring through my computer speakers, the feeling it's invoking within me, my candle flame standing still to my right, my lamp radiated a light far too bright, the coffee my mom handed me an hour earlier, the memory of the movie we finished watching a few minutes ago, the thoughts that flooded my mind on my long drive home

its' like, i know things can be sad, but i have no way of expressing it to the people i love without it being odd - out of character, or most like just unnecessary. you can't be sappy all the time. and if you're not sappy all the time, when should you even sporadically be sappy? words make me sappy... but no one is here with these words other than me. don't know what i'm saying anymore -- came up with a pretty awesome concept on the drive home

astral aura

i'm not ready for emotions

i feel like a flower in full bloom --- nature, let's just keep it this way -- it's just better this way

do u guys like my still life ?

hmhmhhmhmmhm 

I keep typing things out

And then erasing them

I’m not in the right mindset

To be profound 

oh well lol

Why is it so hard to find someone on my wavelength? Hey universe, I’m talking to you

okay that’s the only window of my inner anxiety you get to read haha

I’m chillin 😎

cause friends don’t waste wine

 

I think I’ve fallen off track a little bit,

In regards to diet and dream passions.

I’m watching Interpol play a live show and two thoughts race through my head — first, I wonder and almost already know how indifferent such a large crowd probably feels. Are big shows really all that enjoyable? But who am I to judge — maybe it’s nice to just get out.

Next, I think about how I feel like I’m not living my real life. I want to be on a stage with mood red or blue lighting, losing myself in a 15 minute long song that invokes emotions you never knew you were capable of having yet even still, as I write this, I feel some hesitance. I did acid once at a small underground music festival and I was on one heck of a trip. I encountered a red leotard wearing punk girl who was dancing to sad piano music and I knew in that moment, that was all she had. Everyone had left her (she probably left them in actuality) but she was so obsessed with being the star lite of her own show that she had lost everything. 

I feel such a strong sense of sadness when I play the synthesizer. I feel the richness of my life slip away into an electronic sound that is leading me on an artificial path of nothingness... Maybe it isn’t true and I’m just being dramatic but I like to believe I’m a pretty intuitive being, and there’s a reason why I’m feeling such a deep emotional reaction to such a simple movement. I’m sure I’m not the first person to have this dream and I’m certain I’m not the last.

I met a boy earlier this year, who inspires me with my whole heart. He reminds me of the most beautiful and wild coyotes of the wilderness and he can’t be tamed - he won’t let me do it... 

it’s so hard to maintain this with all its purity in my mind - 

My soul knows he is everything

Yet logic and reason taps at me each day

And it’s starting to shatter

w o w

It was such a powerful first impression

And I fear if I hold on, I’d be doing myself an injustice but

Maybe THAT is the actual illusion.

Why can’t it be that everything is exactly where it should be right now? Is this not the most beautiful thought ever? It’s putting me to tears.

I love my mom. I love our home. I love my wild never to be boyfriend. I love my desire to create. I love the people I know. I love the people I’ve yet to know. I love Interpol. I love being okay with not being Interpol. I love this present moment and everything about it. I love all of its potential and all that it is. 

Alright, now on to diet haha

I ate a milkshake (which granted was HANDED TO ME THE MINUTE I WALKED IN TO WORK) Lol there was no avoiding that one and yes it was delicious 

I ate discounted cupcakes that I bought of my own free will T____T

My moms friend baked cookies and I ate one of those

I BOUGHT a bag of Hershey kisses granted I haven’t eaten any thank god

I also had a small breakfast (that part is good)

and four tacos

So maybe it’s not all that awful

But I could have gone without the

- milkshake

- cookies

- cupcakes

But tis the holiday season

I’ll get back on track tomorrow :)

Oh my god Interpol gives me all the feels

Stella was a diver ughdkshsksjebnedh

I can’t even haha

Picture is from my old blog

Alright bye for now

yeesh!

 Well, I can't say I haven't made some progressssss

slow & steady wins the race!

but my eyes want less screen time

so i'm bouncin in a minute haha

notes; Alright so,

We want to…

Have animations of animal silhouettes walking across the screen. This should be as playful as possible! Maybe a Goose with lots of baby geese following it. Maybe a cat! A deer with big antlers! A moose! A wolf! A frog. Bigfoot. A unicorn? A dancing school girl. Someone doing the YMCA. I dunno, whatever the frick! Lol

Next, we want an occasional shooting star going across the sky. Saturn likes to spin on occasion. The stars twinkle. An alien space ship passes by. An alien appears just to wink, then fade away. 

The trees blow in the wind. 

This all cycles. 

It’d be cool if this was a game of tennis as well…. am I getting ahead of myself here?

OH AND DON"T FORGET SATURN!

--

 WILD NOTHING COVER CHORDS !!!

Bm A D G

A D G

A D G 

Bm G A G

Bm A D G

oh! also just found out i can attach my phone to my bike.... 

EXPLORATION VLOGGING, HERE I COMEEE!

ps i hope kevin & i go up north for xmas

<3

ahhh

 i need 2 go 2 sleep ASAP lol

got work at 7 am T_____T;;;

 

just spent the past 2 hours making this mockup in photoshop -- i want to make this into a mural. imagine it more simplified, less colors. i only bought 6 colors soooo itll have to be that way haha 

the smiley face i made warping the copy as it was copying - i want every one who comes over to make one maybe

my latte art is getting gewd

feels gewd man

omg! a customer gave me a xmas gift today.......... i thought it was a simple box of chocolates BUT IT HAD A $50 BILL IN IT! how kind and generous, i honestly feel undeservinggg.... i gave $20 to the homeless to try to even things out ^^;; 

i want to be that person.... the one who makes someones day because they can. i'm gonna grow up soon, i promise -- at least in that regard : )

OKAY GOOD NIGHT lol

i don't need a thing, ca'use i have eeevvverrrythiiingggg

 

So, I just had a beer with my coworkers -- that was cool. lol

meeting up with a f r i e n d d d soon - kinda stoked. missed you

I think i accidnetally made vegan cheese

I kid you not

I mixed po

oh my god, my friend was trying to call me from jail and i didn't know

i didn't know i didn't know

i feel bad. i wish i wouldve picked up the phone :/ 

gah 

i'm so tired

i'll tell u about the cheese soon

in other news, my latte art is on fire hehe

h m m m

I guess at one point, this was the romanticized dream. To be elegant and beautiful, with a lover who is also elegant and beautiful, and to live in the woods with pine trees and deers... 

but.. who are we kidding now? boys are clumsy creatures, only capable of accidental beautiful grace that always ends up becoming an illusion that shatters once you get to know them... 

and who am i? i'm no where near the girl in this drawing! dainty?! hmph.. in my dreams ( and not even.. my dreams have been so mediocre lately ) 

i just ate a pint of dulce de lece hagan daas, and i'm sitting here in regret of my decision

also, let's not get started on the fact that i almost D R O V E  O F F with the gas pump still in my car. i feel so awful about that !! if it weren't for a guy who happened to see me, it could have been bad. 

ugh. 

sigh. 

burning incense right now. i always say a quick prayer before i light the stick. i'm hopeful things will pull together -- whatever that means. maybe i don't know right at this second, but i'm sure it'll come to me... ( though i think it has something to do with visuals and dj sets quite possibly??  )

 

it's okay! i love you!!

 

omggg

i finally have a desk !!!!

i am sitting, upright, typing comfortably for the first time in HALF A YEAR lol

so so grateful for this moment 

do you ever feel empty inside?

like maybe you're slowly dying?

and what if a nap won't help? 

but then you check your instagram notifications

and you realize that you have telepathic communications with some people

and that we're all connected

and you probably just need a longer nap lol

ahhh I love all right now. 

love is highly underrated (while simultaneously overrated?)

okay okay okay

the actual love wavelength is highly underrated

the one where you feel happy

happy with yourself

happy for everyone else

and good energy flows through you

yeah there's NOTHING overrated about that. fight me hehe

Lastly, this playlist is fucking e v e r y t h i n g g g g g g g g g g g g

how strange it is to be anything at all!

I miss GAIA online. I wasn't myself - I was an avatar. I had simple shops to buy new outfits from. I had friends who I had never seen the faces of. I was very in-depth with my textual emoji markup language. Like, not just the cute lil faces ^______^ but also my font color choices, and slightly smaller font sizes. Don't get me started on signature banners... Oh man, those were definitely my favorite thing. I also miss naively fangirling over things! Why don't I have an obsession as strong as my obsession with Captain Jack Sparrow anymore?? Maybe I'm just on a different journey because my mind races to Ezra Miller, as he's probably the closest celebrity thing I've seen to sexy in a while (well, I like me some good ol' Brad Pitt, don't get me wrong) But now I almost don't want to feel inferior to anyone or anything -- ooh maybe I don't want to idolize anything anymore. That's one of the ten commandments right? Maybe I'm picking up on some intuitive level that obsessing over distant characters is possibly unhealthy on some level -- but arguably, it keeps your mind in a fantasy place and compared to all the media polluted brains out there, that can't be that bad right? haha

Earlier this year I took a stab at writing role-play fiction. Okay, it was a little raunchier than that. It was kind of fun to see how far I could push a thought of fantasy. What kind of fantasy thoughts intrigue me these days? Hmm... can I still lose myself in the vampire trope? Or am I more interested in a magic welding main character? No clue lol 

I finished my painting the other night! Let me go get a photo of it. 

there isn't much detail...... but I like its style? I dunno, t'was a way to pass the time and i think it turned out pretty neat in the end! maybe i'll have enough of these for a show one day.

the photos up top are from an adventure last night! heheh

i'm gonna go do some mantras now. i can feel the need

ttyl!!

 

 I made a new friend today. It kind of went against the plan which was an awful game of “chicken” to see if the one who might have had my heart would respond. Shocker: he didn’t. 

But I had a nice afternoon playing Scrabble in the park. 

I worked on my painting a bit more today, though I don’t think I have a photo of it updated just yet. 

I’m amazed at how much I enjoy watching Tarot readings on YouTube, specifically the readings by a channel called Mermaid Scales Tarot. Her videos always seem so on point with how I’m feeling.. 

I tried an electric bike today! Wow those things are coooooool!!! They’re like $7k apparently but the friggin thing BIKES electronically whenever it feels like it should help you hahaha. It’s so insanely awesome!

In other news..... this one boys facial expressions are everything to me... he has no idea how beautiful I find him to be, and I guess that makes it even cuter haha why not.

It’s like a peaceful ocean... I’m not ready to throw any rocks... the ripples always seem to end.

I’m listening to chakra healing music right. It’s really hitting the spot.

Also, I drew tarot cards on both the new person I hung out with today and my personal love life and I kid you not, I shuffled the deck INSANELY good (three times total, with very good shuffles) and I drew two of the same cards twice and the third card was basically the same card! I drew the Well, the Nine of Pentaclez, and the page and ace of cups. I’m trying to keep an open mind because I don’t want to repeat any cycles that no longer serve me, even though I gave it all the hope in the cosmos.... ((sad face))...

Alright, I’m gonna test out some more apps. Good night! 

That’s the dream, isn’t it?

 So, I did 100 jumping jacks tonight. It might not be such a big deal to most, but I hardly ever exercise, so this is a giant step in a right direction for me.

One of the greatest areas I feel I lack discipline in is my diet. I came to a realization today about it though. I’ve never taken the time to really set out and clarify what it is that I should be eating. I’ve simply been scrutinizing myself almost every day about how I am eating the wrong things. So let me pause for a second and ask myself, what does a day (or week) of eating the right thing look like? I think if I make it as clear as, for lunch you shall eat an avocado toast and not an ounce more, then I could actually follow through clearly knowing what are the boundaries and the rules. But wow, I over ate today so even THINKING about food right now is making me feel awful. And why did I overeat? Well, when there’s leftover steak nachos with guacamole unclaimed on a table...... and no strict rules set in line...... I’m going to eat it. But no more! I want to have more discipline in this area of my life!

For breakfast, I’ll have an oat milk latte. If I am very hungry, I can have eggs and toast but if I remember correctly from when I was a child, I was rarely ever a c t u a l l y hungry in the mornings. The problem is the fear that I won’t have a chance to eat because I’ll be working on an empty stomach. I’ve yet to test out my capacity to not eat. I definitely need energy to work and so on work days, I shall try to have my breakfast. 

For lunches, I’d like to have something like an avocado kale salad, with lentil soup. Or pan friend butternut squash, with a Caesar salad and some hummus... I don’t know, but I wish so badly I could aim to eat vegan for at least 4 if not 5 days a week. How can I simplify this thought? How about this: I only eat meat on the weekends. There. Done. 

I started working on lyrics for my latest song. I want to be able to disassociate from my lyrics as much as possible. It’s hard for me to write this way. I still need to lay out this song’s structure.

I finally organized my hallway closet! I didn’t think I would ever get around to doing it. It’s still not as presentable as I’d like it to be, but I’m starting to fall into housewife territory if I get anymore Pier One Imports, so maybe it’s actually better this way.

I prepped a wooden panel last night before I made that last painting. I want to paint something similar except on a larger scale. 

What else? My mom started watching a new show. It’s called Rectify and I’m lowkey obsessed. Aden Young is quite the handsome actor, and I can tell from this role, he has a beautiful mind.

That’s the dream, isn’t it? To have such a clearheaded and spiritually sound mind.