twenty twenty four is 15 minutes away

 I just woke up from a nap,

and my dreams are telling me

we're all connected 

but like, in some American way 

I can't fully explain it

don't understand it

but I get the feeling that

well, 

maybe we're all cyborgs and

when you watch a good movie 

and the actors on the screen 

make you feel a certain way,

that comes with you in your

waking life! 

I'm trying to decide if it's like a

natural human soul connection 

or if it's like a linking android connection

I'll get back to you on that

hopefully by next year lol

maybe I'll be a lizard person by then

and have the inside scoop hehe

anyway! goals for 2024?!

staring in the mirror just now

after gurgling salt water and

poking my ears and nostrils

with sinus blaster,

I kept telling myself

let's be something more than a ho

this year

I'm not a ho, but I think what my

harsh internal monologue was trying 

to get at was that I've placed a lot of

weight on my romantic relationship 

(or glorified booty call?)

depends on which lense you're looking at it

but anyway, 

point is: I've lost sight of my dreams a bit!

mostly because I feel so alone when I'm doing them

and as an only child, I always liked doing 

things on my own. 

I remember my cousin wanting to build something with Legos with me one day, and I refused. I have always wanted to do it myself

kevin just got a new synth! 

after our steamy new years eve 3 week waited hookup, (which I'm sure everyone hates me for because I had been crying and moping that whole time stating this time things were over for real)

he told me we should start an electronic duo band together. man, what a dream that would be! and then people would come to our shows, and my fear of being alone forever would finally start to disappate! I think.

anyway, we're not exclusive according to him, so the window for my life to be pulled in some other way is still there. according to my recent tarot, I need to just surrender more, but to be honest, I'm so sad by the idea that the purity of what Kevin and I have had these past few years will (wait what am I on about? we totally hooked up with other people early on in our relationship) ah whatever

come what may! just make sure I'm not lying to myself and draggin in "nice guys" cuz that's just dull 

don't be a hooooo lol

I can hear fireworks off in the distance 

we're 4 minutes away 

well, I'm not at some wild party about to kiss a stranger, but I think I had my own kind of magic tonight